The Necessity of Being Gay

I am perplexed by the idea of Divine Design.

Not the HGTV show; Candice Olson has very good taste. I'm talking about how Mormonism asserts that there are characteristics, talents, abilities, responsibilities, and roles that are unique to males and unique to females. As I understand it, this means that there are things that only a male can and should do, and there are things that only a female can and should do.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World eludes to divine design. Gender is a defining characteristic of the spirit. Gender determines eternal destiny and eternal purpose. An interesting idea, to be sure, but what does that really mean?

To me, this proclamation seems to use this idea of divine design to promote what, to the Mormon culture, is the perfect family: a patriarchal household where the father provides and the mother stays home and nurtures the children. Family is a man, a woman and their children. The idea that males and females are designed by God to be so different isn't really pushed farther than to encourage the sons and daughters of God to conform to gender stereotypes.

Maybe I'm missing a vital piece of information, and that's why I hold this opinion, but the seemingly deliberate vagueness of the Proclamation has always struck me as off. If males and females are designed by God to have gender unique gifts and duties, then shouldn't the human race be privy to the knowledge of our gifts as well as our duties?

But perhaps I am being unfair. I understand that I am to discover my talents and abilities with the time I've been given. I just have a hard time finding a part of me (besides the obvious anatomical differences) that can be specifically characterized as male.

To truly flesh out its doctrine, the Church needs its gay members. Often (but not always) gay people do not conform to gender stereotypes, and have traits and gifts commonly associated with the opposite gender. I, for example, have been told by female friends that I think like a female... A fairly subjective assessment to be sure, but take it for what it is.

What I'm trying to say is that perhaps by embracing gay members and every aspect of what and who they are, the Church as a whole can more fully understand what they mean when they proclaim gender is a defining characteristic of the spirit. Perhaps full acceptance of brothers and sisters of all orientations would facilitate the stripping away of gender stereotypes, and our inherent, gender specific gifts would be revealed.

If the Church truly has the authority to act in God's name, then it cannot be exclusive. It must welcome all; if it doesn't then the Good News isn't really good news, is it? To truly understand the spiritual spectrum of the human race, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints needs to openly love and support their gay members. We are unique, and we are real. And any ignorance or hostility in the Church towards its gay members, intended or not, precludes the Church from a substantial and encompassing understanding of eternal identity.

I Know What I Want

And this is what it looks like:

The urgency to maintain superficial layers falls away when you realize how much they change day to day. You're fatter/skinnier than you were yesterday. You hate life one day, and love it the next. You control everything, and then Fate snaps its fingers, and everything slips through yours. Sometimes the future is so certain, and when it becomes the present, you welcome it as you would an expected guest. More often is the occasion when the future is far, far away, and it feels as though it will never be reconciled with that which is called Present.

On the surface, in the world of tangible things, a person like me gets lost processing and sorting and interpreting and reacting. I used to believe that I was just indecisive. I believed I would never truly figure out what I wanted out of life. And then Valentine's Day rolled around.

His eyes were energetic and handsome. They flicked from one feature on my face to the next; in his mind, he was putting together the pieces of a picture puzzle before even touching the pieces. A glimmer, a subtle expression, and he had all the pieces except one:

“Apronkid, what are you thinking? You look like you wanna say something.”

Ever feel like there's so much going on in your mind and in your heart that you're really not thinking or feeling anything at all? I opened my mouth to answer, and I couldn't think or feel a thing...

“Um... I don't know what I'm thinking...”

He leaned in close to me with a knowing look...

“Yeah you do. You know exactly what you want. Just say it!”

I honestly don't remember what I said after that. I remember feeling tragically lost, and feeling upset that I felt nothing for this man. A good, fun date? Yes. But it left me with a lot of questions.

Thoughtful moments since that date have been spent sifting through all the superficial layers of the Everyday, and I find that underneath it all, I really do know what I want.

There is beauty to be found on the surface. Aesthetic charm is something to be celebrated and sought after. But without ideas, without a fertile mind, there isn't a body on Earth that can persuade me to love. Nothing is left if imagination is shut down and denied. Such a gilded husk is a sad, miserable thing.

For the external mirrors the internal in some ways doesn't it? Especially the eyes; they soften with kindness, sparkle with humor, and dim with fear. Personality bleeds through into the human form, both in its being and in its animation. When the internal mechanisms fire and spark and the cogs turn and prompt a human to live, that's where I find beauty.

I want Beauty. I don't want to be beautiful in the physical sense (at least, not obsessively so), nor am I fantasizing of some super attractive man sweeping me off my feet (although some days, that would be nice; I do a lot of walking in Provo). What I want are meaningful ideas, genuine and sincere motives, and good friends to share them with. What I want is that life which is worth living without hesitation or reservation. In Beauty I find truth, and in the truth, I write my music fluidly and with poetic meaning, and the colors of my life bloom naturally.

As romantic and as ideal as my dreamworld maybe, it's something I fight for furiously. I won't give up my idea of Beauty, because it is what I am. In the past, I have so thoroughly convinced myself to settle for less than what I want, and I feel that I have indeed paid for it with the currency of Time and Pain.

And now, I know exactly what I'm thinking, and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have no desire to have a sexual relationship. I'm not ashamed to admit that I do rely on a higher power for order and peace. I'm not ashamed to accept the uncertainty of the future, and I'm not ashamed to admit how little I've thought of myself in the past. I'm not ashamed, now, to love myself.

Things change every day... And you know what maybe what I want will change. Life is crazy, and I'm happy to try and be better. But this is who I am for Now. 

“For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.”

---Ivan Panin

Disappearance!

If your looking for a way to disappear off the face of the Earth, 17 credits, 2 plays, and 1 part-time job is a winning formula. 

In the last month, I've had multiple friends try to call me or text me to ask if died, or ask if I suddenly decided to hate them. To all who have had such concerns: I haven't kicked the bucket yet, and I still love you.

It's just been one of those times that life throws your way that requires scaling back, one of those situations where the best you can do means keeping your head down and keep on walking. It's been a bit miserable and sleepless, yes, but satisfying in a sick and twisted way. You learn how sweet and valuable the air is when all you're trying to do is keep your head above the water.

Fear, as it settles unnoticed or otherwise in the back of the brain, has the tendency to afflict the eyes first. The stairs you've got to climb become a just a bit steeper and longer. The trenches one traverses, a lot more puddily, muddy, and wet. Fear pricks the eyes, dimming the world, and elongating all the wrong shadows. Once it's got your eyes, it's a straight shot to your heart, and when it's got your heart... that's when you cry.

So you cry, and learn to have a bit more courage. You learn to stand straighter, and hold your head a bit higher. You learn to open yourself up to the possibilities, even disappointment and failure. Life's no longer a personal insult, but an opportunity.

I hope. I'm fixing my proverbial posture and keeping my chin up, and here's the real kicker: I'm beginning to understand what I want now. Well, kind of... And here I thought I was done figuring out this whole gay thing... But I'll formulate those thoughts later.