I've been thinking a long time about writing a post about why I want to serve a mission.
I've wanted to write a post about this mainly for selfish reasons; I've wanted to put my thoughts out into the open where they could crystallize into something definite and describable. And I admit, that I've wanted these thoughts to crystallize into something defendable as well. I feel constantly attacked for wanting to serve a mission, and it's no ones fault for that except my own perceptions. I have friends that love me and care for me and want the best for me; there are no words to describe how much I appreciate that. Thank you to all who are honest with me. Really :)
The best way I can describe my desire to be a Mormon missionary is pretty odd, so just stick with me for a second. The desire... it's like honey. It's golden, rich, and sweet. It's attractive and remedial. It helps me find my voice when I'm sick, and makes even the dullest and bland of what life has to offer vibrant and meaningful.
But sometimes, the desire (the honey) is no more than the sugary vomit of mindless workers, who obey without question the whims of their superior, their Queen. With a waft of her pheromones, the workers trail off to find more flowers, more to suck up and vomit when they return home.
I want my desire to be more than vomit. I want the honey to be good and real. I've heard it said that, "Honey is the only food that never spoils." I read it in my high school agenda once. I want my desire to be that kind of honey, to be truth. I want it to be unspoiled. I want the truth to never spoil.
Does that make sense? I hope it does.
As you can see, it's hard for me to put into words why exactly it is I want to serve a Mormon mission. I can tell you this much: I want to find something. I want to find a reason. I want to give people tools for building better lives. I don't have to baptize people, and I don't have to convince people that Mormonism is the only way to get to heaven. What I do feel driven to do is to seek to empower people. People can find their own answers, and people can live beautiful lives without ever knowing all the answers. I think that's one of Joseph Smith's most poignant legacies: Every person is has the privilege of seeking and finding their own answers.
So here are five different things I think about when I think about serving a Mormon mission. Hopefully, each can capture the reasons for my decisions in a way that makes sense to you.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
I loved this movie. The message that I heard when I saw this film was this: There are only two things in this life worth living for and they are "loving" and "thriving." Immortality means nothing if one can't find a reason to thrive or to love. This movie makes me think of the word "vibrant." I want to help people be vibrant!
Tarantulas on the Lifebuoy (Thomas Lux)
Watch this. Please, please watch this. This poem is as close as I can get to describing what real love is. This is the sweetest love, to take that which is seemingly ugly and scary and recognize its beauty. There are seemingly ugly and scary people in this world who are not ugly or scary. They are NOT; they just need someone to reach out and love them. I firmly believe when Christ said to not judge others, he was saying,"No one is past the point of no return." In many ways, I am a tarantula that fell in the swimming pool, and the only way I've made it out is because someone gave me a chance by tossing a lifebuoy in the swimming pool. I will never pass up the opportunity to do the same for someone else. Ever.
Hair (Lady Gaga)
This is a gorgeous arrangement. "I've had enough, I'm not a freak..." Man, you know how many times I've wanted to get up in Sacrament Meeting and just yell that line? This song, to me, speaks more of our beauty and uniqueness than Gaga's "Born This Way" does. Something that makes me beautiful and unique is this feeling in my gut that there is something bigger than me. I feel in the pit of my stomach, in the moments when my mind is most clear, that there is something out there worth loving, and that humanity is worth saving. And maybe it's my imagination, but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. Some of us live in our imaginations (*cough* Lady Gaga), but does that make anything I'm doing less real? No, not really.
Thinking of You (Katy Perry)
I... can't explain this one. Maybe you can, but I don't get it. Something about the emotion in this piece makes me think of everything I want to do with my life and more. There's just something romantic about being killed in action, or at least in the idea of it anyway. To feel something as strong in unbearably real as this... maybe that's what I'm looking for. Life in the Raw, if you will.
The Book Thief (Markus Zusak)
The story of a little girl as told from the perspective of Death. Love, in its simplest form, is a rich, complex emotion. Love is something I have felt whenever I have felt that I have given people hope. I don't want to give people hope that someday things will be better. I want to give people hope that things can be better now. You've just got to get the ball rolling, you've got to break past the unexpected stasis, and put on a brave face :)
Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm an idealist. But how is any illusion shattered if we don't live in it fully, if we don't live in it completely just once? My life experience has taught me that things are not cut and dry. Things are not "this" or "that," they're more of a conglomeration of the two. Some things are unknowable, and that's where my faith plays its most important role. I don't know how long I have to live. I don't know if I'll ever make the difference I dream of making. I just know I will die trying. I am my hair. I am thinking of you.
Does that make sense? I hope it does.
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much; who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men, and the love of small children; who has filled his niche, and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty , or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others, and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction. - - - Bessie Anderson Stanley
1.) I finally remembered that if I wish to leave the gym, I should pull on the gym door and not push. (Success!)
2.) I am watching too many ghost hunting reality TV shows in my spare time. (I woke up my brother early this morning angrily yelling "Get out of my house!" in my sleep. Maybe I should be a professional exorcist?)
3.) I made my own Mormon coffee this morning, and have decided I'll drink it. Always. (Hot water + Roma + Coke Zero = Delicious. Don't knock it 'til ya try it.)
And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center. (2 Nephi 16:2)
Well, here is the truth that I see:
Yeah, I know these couples are famous, and who knows what actually happens in famous people's lives. What I see in these pictures are symbols of this truth: that romantic love between people of the same sex is real. It isn't a counterfeit love. It isn't a mockery of love. These people are enjoying each other; they aren't sitting around pointing fingers at straight couples and chatting about what a blast it is to mimic their marital bliss. No, gay couples don't do this; they're too busy loving each other in relationships that are real and in relationships that last.
I like this letter posted here. I like to imagine that things ended up differently and that they would have lived long happy lives together. Maybe they would have even grow old together on a porch somewhere in some little town holding hands and things. I get a twinge of sadness every time I read that letter.
And there it is. It makes me think of another scripture, actually:
Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. (Matt. 7:20)
If it is true that truth is hard for the wicked, then what am I to think of those detractors who oppose gay marriage or even those who believe homosexuality is a choice? If it a choice, does it matter? By the fruit that I observe, that "choice" seems to be good one for many, many people.
Perhaps it is hard to understand for some, but that's why it's important to be vocal about these issues. Whenever God had something important to say to his people, he sent someone to be vocal, someone to shake up the status quo. Someone who had the balls to get on top of towers and walls and just say something.
