Kingsfold, 7676D (Reprise)

I did it! You didn't know this, but I set a goal to write 20 posts by the end of the year. And here is #20!

I love musical reprises. A reprise invites the listener to recall the emotions and messages of it's previous incarnation, and in addition, invites the listener to consider new meaning. That meaning may be found in new lyrics that weren't in the first version of the song reprised. That meaning may be found in new twists in the arrangement of the music. A musical reprise continues themes previously presented in a work, and elaborates and builds off of those themes.

A good example of a reprise can be found in the new Disney movie Tangled. Mother Gothel (Donna Murphy), Rapunzel's sinister caretaker, sings the song “Mother Knows Best,” in which she describes how gruesome and dangerous the world outside Rapunzel's tower can be. She claims “mother knows best” and demands Rapunzel accept her judgement.

When Rapunzel escapes and finds out the outside world isn't as bad as Mother Gothel made it out to be, she begins to be more confident in herself. Mother Gothel tracks down Rapunzel, and taunts her with a reprise of “Mother Knows Best” (“Rapunzel Knows Best). In the reprise, she expresses her bitterness and belittles Rapunzel, hoping to destroy her new found confidence.

I enjoyed this reprise, because the first song established the goals and mindset of Mother Gothel, as well as her relationship with Rapunzel. The reprise then elaborated on their unhealthy relationship, and confirmed to the audience Mother Gothel's ultimate goal: to keep Rapunzel for herself. It was a creative and entertaining way to further the plot of the movie.

Now, I'd post clips, but I'd much rather you see this movie in theaters :P Go see it before it's gone!

(And I realize most of you (if not all of you) probably know what a reprise is. Forgive me for rambling; I just love reprises.)

So... what is my point in defining a reprise?

Every once in a while (maybe every twenty posts or so) I'd like to reprise my blog. As the title of my blog suggest, this blog is music to me, and it only seems fitting to have a reprise every once in a while. It gives me a chance to reflect, elaborate, and create new meaning.

In this reprise post, I will make a list of my previous posts with any additional thoughts I've had related to those posts. These thoughts are post scripts, responses to comments, and/or simple summaries of what these posts have meant to me. At the end of the list, I will jot down ideas for future posts.

1. My First Post! I was so nervous when I made my first post! I had been faithfully blog stalking anything and everything that came up in the Moho Directory for maybe two or three months before considering making my own. And it was actually Ned's blog, Moho Five Oh, and Invictus Pilgrim's blog that really inspired me to make my own. At first I thought I'd never have anything to write about, but now I want to write about everything!
2. What's in a Name? Kingfold, 7676D. I love hearing all the different interpretations of this melody. One version that I love is “I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say.” Check it out!
   
   
3. I love you, but... This post is the most important post I've written. After I wrote down my feelings and experience with my ex-girlfriend, I felt a sense of wholeness and peace I hadn't felt in a long time. I realized then that blogging would do me a lot of good.
4. Much Ado About Nothing I don't attribute all my negative habits to the fact that I've been raised in the Mormon Church, but feeling guilty for being unproductive is one of those habits that I do attribute to my faith. There is a prevailing attitude of “Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel” in Mormon culture that led me to believe that resting and doing “nothing” was bad. I used to feel horrible when I'd catch myself daydreaming or when I spent a day doing nothing in particular. It's been good for me to realize that doing “nothing” is necessary for me to be healthy and happy. Sometimes those pangs of guilt catch me off guard, but I'm getting better at dismissing them.
5. Crushes! According to the handy Stats tool, this is one of my most viewed posts. It's not hard to understand why; Shia, Michael, and David are super attractive. Especially one in particular... :P For the record, I just want to say I that I'm not as much of an Archie fanatic as I come off to be. Sure, he may be everything I look for in a guy, but I swear I'm harmless. Maybe it's just me, but it's fun having a crush on someone who is so famous and unavailable. That being said, expect more Archie posts in the future! Haha
6. Three Types of Silence Sometimes, thoughts are best expressed in poetry. I call myself “apronkid” because I enjoy sitting on the edge of the apron stage; it's a wonderful place to think. When you're all alone on the apron stage, it's just you, your thoughts, and the silence. I love it.
7. 50 Things I Find Bothersome I think I'm ready to cross “Sleep sex” off of the list. Ever since I accepted my sexuality, I haven't really had a problem with it. (Coincidence? Hmmmm... I don't know...)
8. 50 Things That Make Me Smile I am going to add #51 to the list: being out of the closet. Since telling the Friend that I am gay, I have told two others friends, and I've had nothing but positive, supportive responses. It feels so good to be free and honest with people; words really can't describe how good it feels.
9. Sleep Sex: The Curious Case of Things That Go Bump in the Night I am really grateful to everyone who responded to this post. Next to posting “My First Post!”, this post was probably the next scariest to post. I felt vulnerable; in the past, people always regarded my problem as imaginary and dismissed it. Like I've said, I'm doing much better, and haven't had any problems with it. Some of my darkest moments in high school came from dealing with sleep sex, and I hope it'll stay in the past. Thanks again for all the considerate and helpful comments.
10. Marry Christmas! I now have an awesome black suit because of said wedding! I also got a super snazzy red tie out of being a groomsman :) I never did get a chance to talk to my ex-girlfriend about our past, but she was friendly. I think she has put everything behind her, and I didn't want to bring up our past relationship if that's the case. She doesn't really want to hang out ever, which saddens me, but I can understand. At least we're still friends.
11. “Oh My Gosh... It's Jesus.”/Bright Blue Puppy I have spent all of December playing the piano for Primary. It's been a blast! My favorite part is playing prelude music. I love to jazz up the Primary songs by playing them at different octaves and messing with the rhythms. As for that Bright Blue Puppy, it looked fantastic when I pulled it out of the kiln. Yesterday, I went to work and there was literally nothing to do. (The holiday rush is over, so there are less people coming in to paint these days.) I did, however, have a very interesting conversation with a coworker about sexuality. She is asexual, and it was really interesting to hear her perspective on sex and relationships. I came out to her during our conversation, and we had a good time comparing our thoughts and feelings on sexual orientation.
12. Dear Prophet, Have You Prayed For Me? I don't know if President Monson has prayed on behalf of the gay brothers and sister of the Church. I do know I can pray for myself, and I can receive meaningful answers. I've had several thoughts concerning the questions I asked in this post, and will be writing about those soon. (I haven't forgotten your challenge Invictus!)
13. Somewhere Near Zero Probably my most useless post. I confess that sometimes I create a title for a post before writing the actual post. It's kind of a game of sorts. So I created the title “Somewhere Near Zero,” then I tried to write about it. While it was fun to explore the idea of “nothingness,” the post really didn't ever take off for me. It was a chore. Next time when I create a title, I'll try to find something I'm more passionate about.
14. Why You Son-of-a-Grinch! I thought everyone's comments on this post were extremely helpful. I learned that instead of hoping that other people's Christmas traditions will fill me with Christmas cheer, I should create my own meaningful traditions. I also learned to simply enjoy the time I have to be with my family.
15. Plan of Attack I got some good advice from posting this post! So far, everything is going to plan. I've modified my plan just a little bit, and plan to come out to my parents this next semester instead of right before I go on a mission. I've also thought about the prospect of dating other guys. Honestly, I don't think I'm ready to. This last week I spent some time with a guy that I've liked for years. When we were hanging out, he told me I was too nice, and jokingly asked me to insult him. I proceeded to turn bright red and mumbled something incomprehensible. My feelings for him bubbled to the surface, and I had to try my hardest to contain myself. I was really embarrassed; it was so childish. I don't think I'm ready to date anybody. I don't even know how to manage my own feelings!
16. The Friend: “When you go, I go.” The Friend is amazing. She loves the term “fag hag,” and is proud to be one. She's also incredibly excited that I'm gay. It's weird; everyone I've come out has been excited about my sexual orientation. I'm not sure why...
17. Pancakes and Boys In this post I mentioned “that one guy from high school I still like.” Yeah, he's the guy I hung out with this week. He just talked and talked and talked... After I hung out with him, I realized that I find the ability to ramble attractive. That sounds really weird, but it's true.
18. Bittersweet. I'm ready to go to Provo. This year back home in Virginia has been good. I've had space to think and breathe, and I am in a much better place than I was at this last year. I'm even healthier! I've lost like 20 something pounds. But it's time to move on with my life. It's time to go back to school. I'm satisfied with the way I spent 2010, and I'm looking forward to what the future brings.
19. Happy Birthday Archie!/What I'm Bringing to College I resolve to not post as many Archie love posts in the future. I mean... it was his birthday... I couldn't resist. On another note, I still haven't started packing for college. I know that's not good, but that hasn't stopped me from procrastinating :/ I'll do it tomorrow, I promise!

As for future post ideas:

My Brother's Treehouse; When I die, I'll blog about it; No one should have to tell me God exists; My Original Identity; Duets; Doodles; Why I'll still serve a mission...

In Conclusion...

This blog is me, and it carries that sweet, simple tune that I hum (I can't whistle) every day. The words you read here are my inner aria, my voice, my melody. I appreciate every one of you who have stopped by to listen. While the sound of my voice still bounces off the walls of my closet, the muffled echoes are slowly making their way out my closet door. So far, these echoes have been welcomed by loving and thoughtful individuals. And for that, I am most grateful.

Have a Happy New Year everyone!

Happy Birthday Archie!/What I'm Bringing to College

A Very Happy Birthday to David Archuleta! He's now twenty, so he's a teenager no longer.

(Not that I searched his birthday on the Internet or anything...)

According to his Twitter feed (I SWEAR I do not follow it) David and his family had dinner at a Thai food place for his birthday. If this is true, then this birthday get together furthers my point that David and I are meant to be together. I love Thai food, and all I ever want on my birthdays is to eat dinner with my family. May I also point out he's not even a month older than I am? And that he's kind of short? Geez... He's just too perfect! 

(ja;sdogiajos;eighawoiergjaw;gwgf!!!!)

In honor of his birthday, I decided to see what his more... expressive fans are doing today to celebrate this momentous occasion. There are lots of birthday music videos and tribute videos out on the Interwebs today. The one I actually watched (after suppressing my gag reflex because it was sooo corny) had pictures of him from like, elementary school and middle school. Really creepy! That being said, it's nice to know that this very attractive man was egregiously awkward looking during elementary school and middle school. I think most people are really awkward looking in middle school, but it's good to remember I wasn't the only one who went through the awkward phase.

Although it was corny, this same birthday music video also led me to find David Archuleta's Matt Clayton photo shoot. I have no idea how I ever missed these pictures... I'm obviously not as great of an Archie stalker I thought I was.

:D

Oh, and among all the articles about David Archuleta's birthday there was this. Thehollywoodgossip.com posed this very stupid question today as the intro to their "Happy Birthday David Archuleta" article:

“Might David Archuleta have graduated from adorable to downright hot?”

The answer is yes. Yes he has. Silly, silly gossip website. Was that question even worth asking?

Anyways, Happy Birthday David Archuleta. Your a talented singer, and just a really cool guy...

*sigh*

*****

I should really start packing for college, considering I'm leaving on the 3^rd. It takes me a really long time to pack, because I've got to go through all my clothes. You see, I can't just wear any old t-shirt with any old pair of jeans. Oh no. I can only wear that t-shirt with those jeans and with those shoes. So some of you may think I have a long time to pack, but the truth of the matter is, if I don't start today... Well, things will get weird fast.

As for non-clothing items, I've already made list of what I'm bringing:

--- My Books:

Do You Doodle? by Nikalas Catlow is an excellent resource. It's essentially a book of incomplete pictures that one can finish drawing themselves. As there are a limited number of pictures, I copy the pages. Then, I bring the copies to class and doodle the whole time (and take notes...). As you will see in the future, I pride myself in my doodling skills.

Where's Waldo? The Ultimate Travel Collection by Martin Handford I just got for Christmas at a gift swap. It's a travel size book of Where's Waldo pictures! This will definitely keep me amused at the airport and when I have down time on campus.

The Book Thief and I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak are the only two books in the world that I can read repeatedly and not get tired of them. I LOVE these books. Seeing that I think of these books so highly, it's slightly ironic and hypocritical of me that I have misplaced them... I'll look for them after I'm done writing this post.

---My Movies:

All 3 seasons of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Yup, I'm a huge fan of the show. What's life without Saturday cartoons?

The 2^nd season of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. I just got it for Christmas, and spent Christmas morning watching episode after episode with my Dad. It's really an odd cartoon, because the target audience isn't kids; while it's a corny cartoon, the subject matter and the graphic violence would indicate the show is geared towards older viewers. The show is also an outlet for all the concept art and other ideas that were never used in the Star Wars movies. IT'S SO COOL! But now I'm geeking out. So again, *ahem*: What is life without Saturday cartoons?

---My Music

Mika CD's: We are Golden!

My composition notebooks: I haven't had the urge to compose music for a really long time. I stopped composing this last year to really focus on myself. While composing music is fun, it's time consuming, and it definitely distracted me from dealing with important issues. I know the urge to create stuff will strike once I start going to school again; something about being in school does that to me. So I'm bringing my composition notebooks; I will be ready!

---My Other Stuff That Defies Categorical Sorting

Watercolors: I love the look of ink and watercolor pictures, and like to experiment with the medium. All I have are those really cheap Crayola watercolors meant for 5 year-olds, but I do what I can.

A bowl: To eat cereal and oatmeal in, but not at the same time. I painted said bowl at work; it's covered with little doodles of fish/airplane hybrid creatures. Yup. I know. It's weird.

My platypus pillow: Fun Fact: My patronus is a platypus. So naturally, I own a pillow shaped like a platypus. I failed to bring it with me the last time I left for college. Huge mistake! It's way too comfortable to leave at home.

And last but not least, I will bring to Provo a Touch of Destiny!

Naomie Harris can come if she wants too :)

Hahahaha, yup, that's what I'm bringing to college. It's also a fairly comprehensive list of my personality and interests. 

This is why I refer to myself as a kid. With interests like doodling and cartoons, it's really hard to grow up.

Bittersweet.

Item of note: Apronkid is actually wearing an apron as he writes today! It just so happens that I have just finished cutting out a legion gingerbread men, women, girls, and boys... and one gingerbread duck. (I have mad gingerbread shaping skills.)

Now on with my post:

(A post that continues the continuation that was my last post which, incidentally, continued the post before it.)

Destination #3: The Bachelor Party

I didn't squirm when the groom unwrapped a gummy thong that actually had a nutrition label. It wasn't even the Tuggie (a Snuggie for your junk) that caused me discomfort. Nah, the gifts were hilarious. I was uncomfortable because I didn't know anybody...

...Except for the groom; I know the groom. But I only know him because I'm friends with his bride. A scan of our table at that wing place we were at confirmed that I was the only groomsman from the bride's circle of friends. The rest were the groom's brothers, and other friends that had known him much, much longer than I have.

The party was Monday, the same day that I ate with the Friend at IHOP. At lunch, I had explained to her how anxious I was about going to this bachelor party because whenever I imagined the groom's brothers and friends, I imagined these huge, scruffy tough guys. I imagined them to be quite trucker-esque. And boy, did I hit the nail on the head. There I was, in my skinny jeans, slim fit shirt and my hair all faux hawked, sitting with a group of men whose flannel shirts and baggy jeans screamed “MANLY” men. There was way, way too much testosterone at that table.

I didn't have too much in common with everybody else. Most were watching the football game on the big screen, and some were reminiscing with the groom about the “good old times” and about friends who weren't there at the party. Football is only semi-interesting to me, and I had no clue what the “good old times” were or who could possibly be missing from our table. There was a brief discussion about theatre, Ke$ha, and Usher which I participated in. (Did you know Usher got beat up by a couple of women he was sleeping with during his concert tour? Apparently they teamed up and injured him so bad he had to cancel one of his concerts. Anyway...) Then I had the whole table's attention at one point because I disclosed that I knew what the bride had “in store” for the groom (the bride and I had this discussion years ago). I'm glad that I was able to contribute in my own special way to the collective sexual innuendo that was that bachelor party.

At dinner, it was quite apparent that I wasn't one of them. Not being part of this really close-knit group, yet having the honor of being this guy's groomsman, was an odd feeling. What was cool was that, even though I didn't say much and I wasn't a familiar face, most everyone just kind of accepted the fact that I was the outsider. They didn't try to change that either, which I guess to some people would come across as rude, but I found the space they gave me really comforting. They were welcoming, and they were kind, but they didn't force me to be included.

Before I go on, let it be known that every event in my life doesn't end in me realizing how great being gay is. (I just end up posting all the events that do :P) I'd just like to point out that in situations past where I was stuck hanging out with a bunch of straight guys like this, I was miserable. Let me emphasize that: I WAS MISERABLE. As a guy who perceived himself as being straight, I desperately wanted to be “one of the guys.” Everyone at that bachelor party was “one of the guys.” In that past, I'd get all depressed and moody and awkward because somewhere deep down, I knew I wasn't the same as everybody else. Now, at that bachelor party, I was most definitely awkward. Awkward because I am different, and if that's me, I'm proud of it. I'm gay, and in most social situations that makes me the outsider. These days, I am very happy to accept that.

So while the bachelor party was uncomfortable, I still had fun. It satisfied me to be there for the groom, and it satisfied me to see just how much I've changed/grown in the last year.

After dinner, we went bowling. The bachelor party was in Winchester, about an hour from where I live, so I had no idea where the bowling alley was. The groom hopped in my car and gave me directions to the place. Poor guy was tired; he hadn't been sleeping well for about a week. He was nervous and excited about the wedding. I was excited for them; he and his girl are in love... a beautiful thing for sure.

After two decent games of bowling, I drove home.

Destination #4: The Wedding

I've had all sorts of weird feelings about my friend's wedding, so I'll just jot down a few things:

--- Have you ever been told off in the temple lobby? I have. Twice. Apparently, we were too loud when we were waiting for the sealing to take place... But the lobby was filled with like, fifty people; of course it was loud! I think the receptionist specifically scolded the younger crowd to teach us an important lesson about the temple. But I have yet to figure out what the lesson was. Our conversation literally went like this:

“Brothers and sisters, do you know where you are?”

My friends and I recoil from the stern voice, and look at each other in silence. Is this really happening?

I answer, “We're at the temple.”

“That's right.” the receptionist says. Then he walks away.

Hmmm, alright... Lesson learned... But what lesson exactly? This happened two times! Two! I'm such a hoodlum...

--- The picture taking was a cold and windy ordeal. The front entrance of the Washington D.C. Temple is like a freaking wind tunnel. At least I was in a suit. Those poor bridesmaids must have been freezing in their dresses.

--- I was pleasantly surprised by the bride's dress. I shouldn't have been surprised; she has great taste. I just couldn't help but doubt her when she said her dress would have fur on it. Of course, I'm thinking it's going to look ghetto fabulous, but she ended up looking like that Snow Queen Lady from The Lion, Witch, & the Wardrobe. Except she didn't look evil and there weren't any icicles... Sorry, I'm doing a horrible job of explaining this, but I thought a wedding dress would look awful with fur. Her dress didn't, and she was gorgeous. The end :P

--- At the reception, I may or may not have been covering for a bridesmaid friend of mine who may or may not have been making out with someone in a laundry room (the reception was at a hotel). Oh how I love weddings...

--- I was on the verge of tears during the mother and groom dance. They were swaying/blubbering to Phil Collin's You'll Be in My Heart. It was a really sweet moment. The women were crying, and the all the men were crying too, in a manly I'm-trying-really-hard-to-stop-the-tears kind of way.

--- As for how I felt during the wedding festivities, I was happy and sad at the same time. It's weird seeing your friend unwed one day, and seeing the same friend walk out of the temple, a wife, the next. Although “mourning” isn't the best word, my friends and I spent our time in the temple lobby “mourning” our "loss" even though we were happy for her. When she walked out of the temple she looked beautiful and composed, radiant even. You could tell she was happy, and that made me happy. I guess where the sadness came in --- and this is pretty selfish of me --- is that I imagine my parents want the same kind of wedding for me. They've always looked forward to seeing me have a beautiful temple wedding and a wonderful reception with good friends and family. I can't help but think I'll disappoint my parents when I come out to them. If I ever got married or had a commitment ceremony I know my Dad wouldn't go... I won't muse about it any further. It all just makes me wonder.

--- I promise I wasn't a downer during the wedding! I partied and laughed and even danced (embarassing!). I had a grand time. Line of the night goes to the groom. As he cut the cake he said, “This is the bread of our relationship; it's freakin' good!” How I love those two. They're going to BYU-I, and said they'd visit Provo every once in a while. I can't wait :)

This has just been a crazy week. I really feel like all the loose ends are being tied up, and that this year is coming to a satisfactory close. It's like magic; the plots and subplots of my life here in Virginia are resolving before my eyes, and I'm left to wonder how I ever got so lucky to have so much. I've got the happy and the sad. There has been pain and sorrow, yet so much fulfillment and growth. I've got only so much life behind me, and oh so much more ahead of me... Life's such a lovely, bittersweet thing, and today I savor it.

Rest in peace 2010. This week, as you breathe your last, know that I'll always remember you fondly.

Pancakes and Boys

(Picking up where I left off last post...)


Destination #2: IHOP 


I didn't do much more than come out to the Friend on Sunday. I told her I was gay, I told her who knew I was gay, and I told her how I saw my future as a gay guy. I think we covered all the basic coming out topics. What I didn't realize Sunday is how much fun we would have now that I've come out to her.

Monday, we went to IHOP. I had a craving for pancakes. The Friend and I talked about her boy problems (She's interested in the son of a TV personality, so that was interesting). And then, I asked her if there was anything that she to wanted ask me, considering I just came out to her the day before. I thought she might be curious about what has been going on in my little gay brain.

She pondered a moment, and then got this really sly smile; she was going to enjoy the answer to the question she was about to ask. 


"So what is your ideal man like?"

I admit, it was kind of hard to talk about, since I only have admitted who I'm attracted to on this blog. I took a deep breath, and proceeded to confess all the crushes I have ever had. I told her about Shia, Michael and, of course, David. I told her about all the guys I liked in high school, and about that one guy from high school I still like. It was so embarrassing, and she was laughing her head off, but in a good way. (She found my ardent infatuation with David Archuleta particularly amusing.) It's my impression the Friend was laughing because of my honesty, and because I was blushing BIG time. After I got over the initial weirdness of expressing my feelings in person, the conversation was actually a lot of fun.

So the Friend and I gossiped, and I elaborated on my gayness. After I told her about that one guy from high school, she actually plans on investigating the guy for me to see if there is any potential there. (Just for fun, of course :P) Hahaha, I don't know if anyone else I plan on coming out to will be so excited to have a gay friend.

Our IHOP conversation was one I needed. We bonded talking about the guys we knew in high school, and about our likes and dislikes in men. We took an inventory of our likes and dislikes by sorting through the characters in Glee and other celebrities (it was a crude and effective strategy), and we came to the conclusion that we have different tastes. The Friend likes bad boys, and I like the nice guys. She likes jerks, and hates when guys are too nice. I'm the opposite; I'm a sucker for the sappy, romantic types. Basically, we will never have a conflict of interest :P I guess we wouldn't really ever, considering I'm a gay guy and she's a straight girl, but whatever, it was fun to compare our preferences.

So... I know that I'm just blathering. I know I just wrote a “Dear Diary” type of post. It feels so elementary school talking about "liking" people. Part of me even feels embarrassed that I'm capable of having a good time talking about boys over pancakes. But it also feels really good. It feels simple, and it feels honest. I love it :)


(Next post, Destinations #3 and #4.  One bachelor party and one wedding coming right up.)


Oh, and considering it's the 24th: Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!

The Friend: "When you go, I go."

Oh, David... I am going to meet him one day. Some way, some how, it is going to happen. We are meant to be together; he just doesn't know it yet.

I tried to watch clips of the Press Conference pictured above on YouTube and, well, he is just too beautiful. I couldn't pay attention. David just rambles and rambles and rambles... Most of the time I don't understand a word he's saying, but gosh, he could ramble all day and I wouldn't care.

I've watched all the clips I could find from the concert last weekend, and am super jealous of everyone who could go. Out of all the numbers I've listened to 'Gesu Bambino' was my favorite. I have yet to find a complete recording of 'Los Pastores a Belen,' but the fragments I have heard are amazing.

His range, tone and the ease with which he sings are incredible; David is a talented singer. If I were to criticize David Archuleta... and it's painful to admit he's not perfect... it would be because of his breath support. He can get really gaspy. He frequently chops up his phrases with his breathing, and it's really distracting.

AHHH! hessuchadorkandsofreakingattractive! Okay... David freak out over. I swear I have a life beyond declaring my love for nineteen year-old pop singers.

And to prove it, I will now recount the wondrous adventures I have had over the last couple of days.

Let's take a journey... 

Destination #1: Coming out to the Friend.

Dossier of the Friend:

--- Pretty much the next Beyonce.

--- Has the mouth of a sailor; it's like poetry.

We've been friends since middle school. At that time, both of us had highlights. Both of us looked awful with said highlights. I still make fun of her for it. She had a crush on me in high school, and she cried when I didn't ask her to homecoming senior year. Strangely enough, the girl I did ask (who would be my girlfriend for a year and a half) had befriended her, and they bonded over their shared liking of me, among other things. It's really weird; they've been best friends ever since.

I was so scared to come out to her. I knew she would be okay with it, but I couldn't stop shaking just the same. We were at her house on Sunday, practicing a musical number for Church next week, and while we were practicing I told her there was something I needed to talk about after we finished. If I didn't make that commitment, I probably wouldn't have come out to her that night.

In fact, I was so nervous, I slipped up a little bit. Because I wanted to talk to her in private, I wanted her to sit in my car with me. I ended up saying, “I need to come out to you” instead of “I need you to come out to my car.” Hahaha, I was so nervous!

We ended up just sitting on the bed in her room. I took a deep breath and uttered those three magic words, “I am gay.” She smiled and said, “I knew it!”

Apparently, it was clear that I was gay when I said I wasn't going on a mission anytime soon, and that I'd be taking a year off of school to “figure things out.” I told her I didn't really take a year off to come out of the closet, though that was part of it. I revealed to her that I had a problem with sleep sex. I wasn't planning on talking about that, but we did. Although it did freak her out a bit, the whole doing-it-in-my-sleep thing didn't really surprise her. She thinks my body was just reacting to my repressed sexuality. (I'm sleeping better these days, so I can't help but think there's some truth in that.) She wanted to ask me about what type of guys I'm attracted to and everything, but we didn't discuss that Sunday night.

I honestly can't remember too many specifics from our conversation. We talked about how sad it is that there are so many sexually repressed people in the Church, gay and straight. We ranted to each other about how distorted sexuality is in Mormon culture. I told her about "the moment" in which I realized I was gay (Have I ever wrote about that? This really cute guy in Drama class ambushed me with a hug. I was electrified, if you will, by his touch. I was all kinds of happy that day.) Anyways...

One moment in my coming out to her I will always remember. That moment came when she asked me, “Well... what happens now?” 

I reviewed my Plan of Attack with her, which she approved, and then I told her about how I saw my relationship with the Church. I told her I believed in the Gospel, and I told her one day I will find that man I want to spend the rest of my life with. If the Church doesn't like it, then I'll leave. That's when she looked me in the eyes and said with the utmost sincerity, “The day you leave the Church is the day that I leave too.”

I got pretty emotional then. I didn't cry, but I was just so grateful to have such a loving and loyal friend. Now, to be honest, I don't think that anyone should do something just because their friend did it. If she left the Church just because I did, that'd be pretty stupid. But I got the message loud and clear: She will stand by me no matter what.

... I can't express in words how great it is to have her as a friend. The Friend. We are truly closer now that I've come out to her. I really couldn't have asked for a better experience.

Now, I realize I was going to recount everything that happened in the last few days, but this is going to have to play out over a few posts because a LOT has happened. I've still got to analyze another discussion with the Friend, recount a semi-awkward bachelor party, and write through my mixed feelings about a dear friend's wedding. There are a lot of thoughts I've got to wade through! 

So in the mean time, keep it real everybody, and stay tuned :)

Plan of Attack

          It's time for me to form my plan of attack.

           Almost every night I am having dreams about coming out to various members of my family. In Dreamland, it's always the right time, the right place, and everything just feels right, so I just let it all out. From what I can recall, I think I have come out to Dream Mom and Dream Brother... I don't think I've approached Dad yet.

            I can be rather clumsy and tactless with my words. Knowing myself like I do, if I don't draw the line between my reality and my dreams, I'm going to say something to someone who isn't ready to hear it. I'm sure I'll accidently out myself to my parents or my brother .

            So, for what it's worth, I am formulating my plan of attack now so I can control my coming out of the closet as best I can.

           First off, I don't plan on actually attacking anybody. I feel assault is probably one of the worst ways to come out to someone. “Plan of attack” remains, and will remain, a phrase merely to emphasis the structure and the calculated nature of my coming out of the closet.

            Glad that's off my chest. :P

            Secondly, I'm going to come out to my bestfriend that is coming home Saturday. We like to go to Dairy Queen, so while we're chilling there with our Blizzards, I'll tell her I'm gay. I predict this will be a really good conversation, and will answer many of her questions regarding recent, seemingly out-of-character life choices I've made this year.

             Next, I'll be leaving for BYU. My plan of attack gets a little fuzzy here, and I'm going to keep it pretty fluid until I know who my roommates are and what the general atmosphere is like. I won't go on dates with girls unless I'm asked, and I'll only go as friends. I will adamantly refuse to go on a date with a girl that is giving off  “I like you” vibes. Luckily, I haven't served a mission yet, so I'm pretty sure I'll be safe.

            As for guys... Well... I don't know. I really don't. The thought of going on a date with someone I'm actually attracted to seems too good to be true. We shall see!

           As for being out at BYU, if it feels right, I'll tell people I'm gay. I feel it'd be inappropriate to greet people I haven't seen a year with a rousing, “I'm gay!” In time, I'll let close friends know. If anyone asks me about my attraction to girls, or my dating habits, I'll tell them I'm gay if I don't think it'll come back to haunt me.

          What else? Oh yeah, church leaders. I won't tell them unless it's necessary. I don't know what circumstances revealing my sexual identity would be necessary for, but that's my plan of attack.

           Bottom line at BYU: I'm going to be honest, and I'm going to be proud to be me. Simple as that.

            Alright. After checking off those three objectives the next box to check would be the family box. I'm still debating how I'm going to do this. My family is very uncomfortable around gay people. My Dad makes it a point to tell me how wrong it is that Modern Family's Cam and Mitch are together. (They're adorable and hilarious, by the way.) He also got involved in this huge family drama when his lesbian cousin sent invitations to all the family inviting them to her and her partner's commitment ceremony. (I thought sending invitations to Mormon relatives was a loving, welcoming gesture, but apparently it insulted my Dad's side of the family.) Out of my whole family, my Dad is the real wild card. I really hope he reacts well, but I have a feeling he's going to feel guilty and ashamed for producing a gay son.

             As for my Mom, she screamed when Karofsky kissed Kurt on Glee, but I guess it was more out of shock than anything because she loves Blaine and Kurt's cover of “Baby, It's Cold Outside.” I think she wouldn't be surprised to find out I'm gay.

             My brother will be uncomfortable with it at first. You know how physical brother's can be, with all the good-natured pushing and shoving and what not? I think that'll disappear from our relationship, which is a sad thought. But I think he'd eventually understand and he would realize that I'm the same brother he has always messed around with.

              Now how I'm going to tell them I'm gay, that's the trick. I really don't want to sit them down and give them “the talk.” I'll just end up being talked at, and I am afraid of knee jerk reactions. Any shame, shock, anger, sadness, or disappointment that might leak out of their expressions would kill me for sure. I still want to tell them in person, but I want to be able to tell them I'm gay and tell them what that means to me, then leave. That way any knee jerk reactions wouldn't affect me, and they can sort out their own feelings without me around.

              Which is why I'm tentatively planning on telling them right before I go on a mission. I hope to put in my papers while I'm at school next semester. If I get them in and leave over the summer, then I can tell them and go on my merry way. All subsequent conversations about me being gay, we can have via letters and email. My parents are very good writers, and I'm not too shabby, so I feel it's the best mode of communication for coming out. Writing it out will give my family and I a chance to really think about what we're saying to each other. As sad as it sounds, the fact that I'll be on a mission will probably help me out too; I think it'll reassure my parents that gayness and a testimony of the Gospel of Christ can coexist in one person.

              As for on my mission, I'll hold the same policy as I plan to hold at BYU, minus all the dating stuff.

             So that is my plan of attack, if any of you have tips or suggestions, please tip and suggest away. I welcome any and all opinions.

              P.S. I'm pretty nervous about this. The list of people I've come out to is pretty small: my ex, an old church friend, my Bishop, and of course, blogging mohos. Even though I am and always have been gay, I'm about to officially declare it to the world... my world. Coming out almost makes being gay more real to me, if that makes sense, and I have hope it will all work out just fine. Things are about to get real interesting!