(This post contains sexual content, and is very frank about it. This isn't really a warning; more of a heads up.)
There is a reason why I value my capacity to imagine, to think, and to ultimately be. There is a reason why I value my conscious thoughts, and, by extension, my actions that stem from my thinking. These things are precious and dear to me, because when your thoughts aren't yours, life is terrible. These things are precious and dear to me, because when you can only watch yourself and do nothing to stop your actions, life feels hopeless.
What I'm about to recount and describe is bizarre, and quite frankly, disturbs me. It is what haunts me when I close my eyes to sleep, and it has haunted me for years. Whatever you think of this post, please keep an open mind and don't (for my sake) make light of this:
I'm a sexomniac. I have sex in my sleep.
This is a rather big statement, so let me elaborate. This isn't the same thing as having a wet dream, and it isn't masturbation. It's very different. Sleep sex is a real parasomnia; it's in the same family of parasomnias as sleepwalking. I'm undiagnosed, as it's a hard diagnosis to come by, but I've had this problem since I started high school (read: for a few years). Also, my Dad's side of the family has a history of sleep disorders, so this kind of thing isn't unheard of in my family. Long story short, there is enough evidence from my past experiences and my family history for me to make my own unofficial diagnosis. I'm not being crazy, or over-dramatic. It's a matter of fact that I have sex in my sleep. Luckily for me, my episodes are fairly mild. There have been instances where individuals will initiate sex with their partner in their sleep or even rape someone in their sleep (I know this is hard to imagine, but it's true). I thank God that I haven't ever done either of those things.
(And I know most people have some weird story about themselves or someone doing something odd in their sleep, sexual or not. People who are stressed out, sick, or have taken certain substances in their bodies will have strange experiences on a occasion. Please note this is not what I'm talking about.)
I will save you from the express details of what one of my episodes is like, and briefly summarize. Since my episodes have never involved anyone else, I guess they'd be most like masturbation. Masturbation without hands, and certainly without any pleasure. These episodes are of two types. One version of a sleep sex episode happens to me in the form of a dream. For example, in a dream, I might be walking from point A to point B. In my dream I see myself walking quite normally. However in the back of mind, the only way to walk from point A to point B is to “masturbate,” so to speak. Thus, in my dream I am walking, and in real life I'm, for the lack of a better term, making love to my bed. In my mind and in my dream, it all makes sense and I do not recognize the disconnect between my thoughts and actions until the episode has concluded. This version of sleep sex was common for me in high school, but as I've grown older the episodes have more frequently been of another version which I'll call the “Out of Body” experience. Basically, I am semi-aware that I'm “masturbating,” but have absolutely no control over my body. I can see it happening, but can't do anything about it, sort of like sleep paralysis. These episodes range in frequency from happening five times a week to once a month. I never know when it's coming.
More often than not, I'll wake up after an episode. Sometimes, I don't wake up. I won't remember it at all, and then I'll suddenly realize what happened the night before in the middle of the day. Other times, the only indication that an episode occurred the night before is the fact that I'm completely naked in my bed, and there's a new stain on my sheets. In all instances, there is pain down under... Like I said, this isn't at all pleasurable.
Now you might ask yourself why this is a problem. (ex. Why be bothered by sleep sex? Sex in all it's forms is great. You aren't hurting anyone, and you haven't done any damage to yourself.) I admit that while it can be a painful experience, usually I'll only feel physically uncomfortable afterwards for a short time and I'll move on with my life. What scares me is the fact the there is always the chance that I will seriously injure myself. Along with that, there's no telling when my sexomniac tendencies will escalate and I'll actually hurt someone else. Then there's the psychological and emotional aspects of it all. Have you ever not been in control of your own actions? I mean, I have had episodes when I have shared my room with a brother or a roommate, and me knowing that they were in the room didn't stop the episodes from happening. It's devastating to know that you're doing something that is out of your control. It weakens your will to know that no matter what you do to prevent it from happening, after you close your eyes, you aren't yourself anymore. To have your identity snatched from you every night, and have it thrown back at your feet after it's been trampled upon and torn is heart-wrenching. That's why sleep sex is a problem.
In the past, I have dreaded going to sleep. I have literally tried everything to stop the episodes from happening. I tried to be as tired as I could when I went to bed. I'd exercise for hours during the day. At BYU, I'd start my homework at midnight, just so I had an excuse to stay up late and not go to bed. I've prayed and fasted and got priesthood blessings. For awhile I had it set in my mind that if I masturbated during the day, I wouldn't have episodes at night; that didn't work. I went to therapy. I saw a psychiatrist who put me on Prozac and Xanax. That only worked when I took them on the same day. On days where I only took one or the other, I'd still have episodes. Eventually, I stopped taking the medications because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with a Xanax dependency.
And then, there was religion. Guys, (sorry ladies) you know what it's like to be measured against the mythic Peter Priesthood ideal. To be “worthy” was to locked in an epic war with your sexuality, and the result was endless, seemingly pointless “repentance” and deep-rooted sexual repression. I had already been seeing the Bishop about own M&P related problems (They really wouldn't have been a problems if the Church wasn't so... Wait. I will not tangent.). When I started having sleep sex I was mortified; I was committing sin in my sleep! Some part of me registered that that wasn't true, and that I wasn't responsible for actions I couldn't control. But I felt so guilty about the sex of it all, and my memories of the episodes were so fuzzy that I was convinced I was a sinner. There was a long period of time where I wasn't “worthy” because of this. For a time I was even depressed. I was never suicidal, but I thought about cutting myself because I just felt so hopeless.
This is one of the main reasons I came home after my first semester at BYU. I was in an awful place. I stupidly thought that when I went to college, I wouldn't have sleep sex episodes anymore. In reality, they continued and even intensified in frequency. At the same time I was dealing with this increase of episodes, I began to come out to myself, which opened a whole new set of negative emotions. I needed help, and I needed room to just be, away from Mormonland and my school work.
I'm very happy to say that I'm in a very different place these days. It took me awhile to realize that I wasn't a hopeless, and that I wasn't sinner for having a parasomnia. Episodes happen less frequently, just a few times a month, but that doesn't mean that it'll always be that way. I'm fairly certain that once I go back to BYU in January, episodes will happen more often.
I'm really not afraid of my roommate knowing I have this problem. If he asks, I'll tell him. What I'm really afraid of is going on a mission. I still want to serve one, and I asked my Bishop if my sexomnia would be a problem. Of course he didn't know. Why would he know that? There isn't a rule in the book that says if a kid has sex in his sleep he can't serve a mission. And if the Church doesn't think it's a problem and I do get a call, then what about when I'm at the MTC? What about when I'm out in the mission field? I don't want to have episodes then, because they're emotionally and physically draining. And what if (this is a BIG what if) my sexomnia escalates and I initiate sex with another guy out there? NO ONE would believe me if I said I was asleep...
This of course is all hypothetical, and sometimes I feel like an idiot for worrying about such things happening. But then again, I never thought I'd be getting it on in my sleep... so anything can happen. I know you probably don't have a problem like this, but I'd really like some advice. Are my fears completely illogical? Would it be right to serve a mission, being a sexomniac?
As sappy and cliché as this sounds, one of my deepest desires is for a man to hold me and keep me safe. Not just for romantic or emotional reasons, but because I desperately want him to be there to save me from all this. He could wake me up at the start of an episode, comfort me and tell me everything's alright... and then maybe, I could sleep in peace. (Haha, I'm pretty sure a mission companion wouldn't do that for me :P)
Seriously though, I'd appreciate any thoughts about this.
(To all who read this: Thank you. Really. This is one of stories that needed to be told.)
First off, I want to commend for having the courage to write about this. Secondly, I think you should be proud of and pleased with yourself for being in tune enough with yourself to be able to articulate your thoughts and feelings as well as you have.
ReplyDeleteThoughts: Though I am in no way a professional, I can't help but wonder if this phenomenon is connected with repression (to one degree or another) of your sexuality. You mentioned going to a psychiatrist, but as I'm sure you know, psychiatrists these days are nothing more than pill prescribers. Have you ever brought this up in counseling? If so, what was the context? Did you talk about being gay in the context of these experiences?
Though I understand how you might have been concerned about this affecting your "worthiness," I hope by now you clearly accept and realize that these experiences in no way affect your worthiness.
Secondly, this would appear to be strictly a psychological/physical phenomenon that is well beyond the ability of 99.9% of the bishops out there to appropriately address.
I can understand your concerns as you get ready to go back to BYU. A suggestion would be to go to their counseling center once you get back there and talk to someone there about this phenomenon, particularly in the context of your sexuality. I've heard good things about them.
But if not BYU counseling center, somewhere else. If this phenomenon isn't a good reason to seek competent counseling, I don't what would be.
I second Invictus,
ReplyDeleteyou should go counseling to professional, but not to psychiatrist.
I also hope your deepest desire (about a man holding u and keep u safe) will come true. That's a nice desire.
Gud luck
Joned ^_^
I really appreciate both of your comments!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, Invictus Pilgrim. I believe to some degree or another repression of sexuality has something to do with all this.
While it may have stemmed from psychological issues, it's very much a physical problem. What I mean to say is that when episodes occur, they all tend to occur around the same time at night. Because one's brain has a regular "sleep cycle," I think there's a place in my "sleep cycle" that hiccups on occasion and consequently I have an episode. This is speculation, of course, but my thoughts are based on what I've read about parasomnias.
I have seen professional counselors in the past. The problem with that was my sleep sex issue would be jumbled amongst my other issues, namely M&P and coming out. Because most professional counselors deal with my other issues more than they deal with sleep sex, it's typically been pushed to the side in our sessions.
Now that I've dealt with the whole M&P thing and have accepted my sexuality, I'm anxious to see a therapist and focus on sleep sex. I've gone to BYU's counseling center before. I think they are very helpful and I will be going back to see them.
I've had many dreams that outright bothered me during the time I've had them too. What helped me was to dissociate myself from the person that is "Me" in my dreams. He may look like, feel like, act like me...but he's not. He's just a placeholder of sorts that is a tenant in my head while I check out during sleep. That helps a lot with the guilt.
ReplyDeletePlus, if they kick you out in a mission setting for sexomnia, that's their loss.
I don't think your particular case of sexomnia would be a concern in considering your mission eligibility. You didn't mention any episodes that occurred outside of your bed, so if no sleepwalking is involved, I don't see any chance of it happening with another person.
ReplyDeleteThe real problem with your potential mission is, of course, the fact that you are gay. The current handbook says, "A candidate who has participated in homosexual activity during or after the last three teenage years will not normally be considered for missionary service, especially if the person has participated in such activities with several partners or with one partner over an extended period of time.
In rare cases the stake president may submit a recommendation that the First Presidency consider an exception if there is strong evidence of genuine repentance and reformation and if the candidate has been free of transgression for a sufficient period of time. This period of repentance should be at least one year and may be as long as three years if the acts occurred several times or over an extended time or if the person was the aggressor. Such a recommendation is submitted through the Missionary Department for the consideration of the First Presidency."
So by default, you automatically won't be considered for missionary service, and any exception would have to be approved by the First Presidency - a highly unlikely prospect.
Not sure where El Genio is coming from, since you haven't committed any sins with someone else. You should be good to go. Lots of "openly" (like to their Church leaders) gay guys are serving missions.
ReplyDeleteI've had this happen to me before, although in a milder form, and yes, even on my mission. It passed in time. I would just do what you're supposed to do and stop worrying about it. Let the Lord (and nature) take care of the rest. Seriously, you grow out of a lot of these things...
Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
ReplyDeleteYou all are very practical about this. Like I said, I'm in a good frame of mind now. This thing doesn't bother me as much as it use to; I just need some thoughts as to where to go from here. That, and I needed express where I've been.
@Neal- I'm certainly hoping I'll grow out of it. I'd just rather it be sooner than later :P
Wow, what an experience. I never had the kind of experience you are describing, and I've only had one wet dream in my life. But almost nightly in my 20's (including mission and BYU times)I would wake up to myself having an orgasm, my hand finishing the masturbation process. No explanation, and I felt strange about it, but not guilty. Out of my control, out of the range of guilt...
ReplyDeletea) Congratulations for bringing up a topic I don't think I've seen/heard before! :-)
ReplyDeleteb) I've never experienced something like what you describe, feeling out-of-body like someone else is controlling your actions, but I get why that would be discomforting.
c) Your concerns make sense to me. I think if you served a mission, you'd probably be fine, but you'd want to make sure you've found a way to not be very bothered by the fact that these dreams happen, or it will consume your energy, as you fear. Self-fulfilling, I think. That said, your mission pres and some companions will probably need to know about it. Also, if you haven't left your bed to involve someone else before, then I'd guess you probably wouldn't on a mission. If you did happen to, yeah, you might have some trouble and might even potentially be sent home because even if they believe you weren't in control of your actions, they just can't have that happening.
d) I had this page loaded from yesterday or the day before, before the last few comments, and now I see you've said this doesn't bother you as much anymore but that you just needed to express it, so you can disregard (c).
e) I'd be interested to know more about your views on orthodox LDS beliefs/doctrines because that is often a much bigger obstacle for a lot of guys than whether they're gay/SSA. I think a lot of guys get hung up on whether the Church would allow them to serve or some anxiety around serving when the bigger issue is whether they even believe what they'd be expected to teach people as a full-time missionary.