I love running; it's a condensed form of life. You pick a trail and go, and as the rhythm works its way up your feet and into your legs you tap into a timeless cadence. There's nothing quite like the rush, the clarity and (as dumb as it sounds) the joy of running like there's no tomorrow. I don't care who's watching, or where I'm going really, its just about the feeling. When I run, I feel alive. I feel connected to things, to life.
Running has its aches and pains. Its has its joys too. The best is when I feel like I can run forever, like I'm invincible and I just feel like laughing while I run. There are hills and valleys to traverse. There's traffic and people to wade through. With all that though, running is where I want to be; it's where I live. It makes each step I make and each breath I take steps and breaths of gratitude. The world runs, and I run with it.
You know how often I feel like a dead battery? It's true, you know, that some people just don't feel. I didn't realize how bad I was at feeling things until I started taking my meds. Before I started taking meds, my emotions were either absent or blaring. My emotions were a pitch black room, or a room lit by strobe lights. I feeling a bit more "normal" these days. This only kind of has to do with running. I used to run to feel, so I could feel something. Now I'm running to feel, and I run to enjoy. It's a nice change :)
I am flying home today, going back to the ol' VA. I've got window seats the whole way, which is nice. I was just thinking as I looked outside the plane and observed clouds, mountains, communities, lakes and the ocean how many people in the history of the world would have killed to see what I was seeing. It occurred to me that only a very, very small percentage of people in the history of the world have ever flown in a plane. People that would dream of flying, or believe in Gods that lived in the heavens that watched them and guided them from on high. The number of men and women that would have closed their eyes at night to imagine the world seen from the perspective of clouds is a number that I can't fathom. When I look out the plane window, when I see the world as it is now, I'm seeing other people's dreams in their realest form. What I drink in and partake of daily people have been longing for for ages... It's a humbling thought.
This is a very ramblesome post... Not much to do in the Long Beach Airport; it's tiny and I'm going to be here for a few hours. But, seeing as I have been thinking about it a lot, I am going to come out again on this blog. It's funny how there are things that I still won't admit to myself, even after going the dramatic process that was me coming to terms with my sexuality. I think though that I am finally willing to admit to myself that... well, I want to be an actor. It seems so silly and childish to admit something as common as a desired occupation. Especially one coveted by so many.
If you, dear reader, haven't been able to tell from reading this blog, I am a rather verbose and melodramatic person. You can imagine, then, how I have blown up everything in my life into something more dramatic and stressful than it needs to be. I wish every day to be a little more normal and be satisfied with doing something practical with myself. On some levels, I am practical... yeah, but only on some levels. I think some people see this side of me, and admire it. What I hide from people, and most of all from myself, is my desire to have a voice. I want to be heard, but I don't want to draw attention to myself. I want to be seen, but because I want to be seen, I hide. Why do I do this? I don't know. Sometimes I'm just afraid that I'll be rejected. Most of the time, I'm just afraid I'll fail.
But we live in the sky. We all live in a world of dreams and desires. Some will fall, and maybe I will fall, but at least I know that I am trying to do something wonderful. I know who I am (kind of) and I (kind of) know where I want to go. My firmest resolve is this: to run headlong into life, and enjoy the rush.
So yeah, glad to get that off of my chest. If I out any more portions of my soul, I'll let you know.
Jun 17, 2011
Jun 7, 2011
I'm Supposed to Change the World, Right?
With a signed David Archuleta CD in one hand and a Equality Utah sign in the other, I walked into my apartment Sunday night confident that I had just had one of these best weekends I've had since I've gotten to Utah.
Pride was fantastic. This much was clear from outside and inside the parade: We love each other, we support each other, and we accept each other. It was a beautiful day, from the weather to the cause.
I wonder about the future. It comes naturally to people my age. Well, I guess everybody who has ever had a coherent thought has wondered about their future, but kids like me spend a lot of time thinking about it. (Sometimes they take meds to help them not obsess about it, but that's another story.) For young college kids especially, though, identities are forming and one is experiencing change that's hard to keep up with. Add to that a society that worships the "individual," and kids like me every where get the feeling that there is one calling out there for them, just for them, waiting for them. I am supposed to change the world, right?
I'm not so sure. But one thought that I had recently made me think about what I want to do with myself in ways that I hadn't before. It went something like this:
What if right now, in this moment, everything froze and I couldn't move? What if the world froze and all the clocks halted, and everything had to sit for 100 years or 1,000 years or whatever, and the only moving, changing parts I had left were my thoughts? What would I miss? What would I regret? What would I think about to pass the time?
I've thought a lot about this... and I think I have a good plan (a plan good enough for now at least).
Pride was fantastic. This much was clear from outside and inside the parade: We love each other, we support each other, and we accept each other. It was a beautiful day, from the weather to the cause.
I wonder about the future. It comes naturally to people my age. Well, I guess everybody who has ever had a coherent thought has wondered about their future, but kids like me spend a lot of time thinking about it. (Sometimes they take meds to help them not obsess about it, but that's another story.) For young college kids especially, though, identities are forming and one is experiencing change that's hard to keep up with. Add to that a society that worships the "individual," and kids like me every where get the feeling that there is one calling out there for them, just for them, waiting for them. I am supposed to change the world, right?
I'm not so sure. But one thought that I had recently made me think about what I want to do with myself in ways that I hadn't before. It went something like this:
What if right now, in this moment, everything froze and I couldn't move? What if the world froze and all the clocks halted, and everything had to sit for 100 years or 1,000 years or whatever, and the only moving, changing parts I had left were my thoughts? What would I miss? What would I regret? What would I think about to pass the time?
I've thought a lot about this... and I think I have a good plan (a plan good enough for now at least).
Jun 3, 2011
Disrespect and Other Things I Am Sick And Tired Of
I mean no disrespect when I say this:
I don't care who you are, who you think are, what you believe, or what you think you believe: show some respect.
It grosses me out to see people on different sides of an argument hold themselves up on a pedestal and claim superiority. Does anyone realize that superiority is a fairly standardized form of pedestal? If both sides of an argument claim superiority over the other and both stand on superiority pedestals, they are eye to eye, equals in their arrogance.
Each is just as ignorant, and just as intolerant.
I'm not saying that there aren't incorrect ideas floating about in the universe, and I'm certainly not saying that I have all the answers. That is my point. No one has all the answers. No one hasn't had an incorrect idea in their life. It all comes with time.
I used to be one of those kids that believed that you couldn't be gay and Mormon. The fact that I believed that for years in childhood and in adolescence is tragic. I have grown a bit, and I have a bit of life under my belt, and now I can proudly say that I am a gay Mormon. And you know what? I love that title.
My point is that people grow. Can we not show respect for the process? Humans are beautiful vines that, in their ideas and opinions, will grow together and they will grow apart. All are entangled in a beautiful living web. We can disagree and still respect each other when we recognize that every human is a growing and developing being, and that they have the right to be just so.
So let's recognize both sides of the coin and recognize its worth, okay? I'm so tired of the hate and the laughter that seems to come with the division of opinion.
I'm also sick and tired of blogs that censor comments that represent valid viewpoints, the terms 'same-sex attraction' and 'same-gender attraction', the idea that a gay person is afflicted with homosexuality, bipolar Utah weather, navajo tacos, research papers, and cute straight guys. (What can't they just be gay?)
...There, after a deep breath, I feel cleansed. I hope you do too.
On a completely unrelated note, David Archuleta will be signing at the Festival of Books at BYU on Saturday. I practically peed myself when I heard (I'm exaggerating, calm down). I, of course, want to go... but alas I will be at Pride in Salt Lake City!
Tough decisions like this will put me in an early grave...
I don't care who you are, who you think are, what you believe, or what you think you believe: show some respect.
It grosses me out to see people on different sides of an argument hold themselves up on a pedestal and claim superiority. Does anyone realize that superiority is a fairly standardized form of pedestal? If both sides of an argument claim superiority over the other and both stand on superiority pedestals, they are eye to eye, equals in their arrogance.
Each is just as ignorant, and just as intolerant.
I'm not saying that there aren't incorrect ideas floating about in the universe, and I'm certainly not saying that I have all the answers. That is my point. No one has all the answers. No one hasn't had an incorrect idea in their life. It all comes with time.
I used to be one of those kids that believed that you couldn't be gay and Mormon. The fact that I believed that for years in childhood and in adolescence is tragic. I have grown a bit, and I have a bit of life under my belt, and now I can proudly say that I am a gay Mormon. And you know what? I love that title.
My point is that people grow. Can we not show respect for the process? Humans are beautiful vines that, in their ideas and opinions, will grow together and they will grow apart. All are entangled in a beautiful living web. We can disagree and still respect each other when we recognize that every human is a growing and developing being, and that they have the right to be just so.
So let's recognize both sides of the coin and recognize its worth, okay? I'm so tired of the hate and the laughter that seems to come with the division of opinion.
I'm also sick and tired of blogs that censor comments that represent valid viewpoints, the terms 'same-sex attraction' and 'same-gender attraction', the idea that a gay person is afflicted with homosexuality, bipolar Utah weather, navajo tacos, research papers, and cute straight guys. (What can't they just be gay?)
...There, after a deep breath, I feel cleansed. I hope you do too.
On a completely unrelated note, David Archuleta will be signing at the Festival of Books at BYU on Saturday. I practically peed myself when I heard (I'm exaggerating, calm down). I, of course, want to go... but alas I will be at Pride in Salt Lake City!
Tough decisions like this will put me in an early grave...
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