Midnight Musings: Dad, Prophets, Still Waters & Dissonance

I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow at 5... but the honest truth is that I'm sick and I can't sleep.

So here I am.

Thank you to everyone for your kind messages and support. It's been a tough transition, coming out to Dad. The Good is that I am officially out to the world. The Bad is the "hate the sin, love the sinner" sentiments that I receive from home feel a lot more like rejection.

It's as though any righteous thing I have ever done doesn't mean a thing anymore; I am an apostate. Also, my spiritual confirmations that God wants me to be gay and marry a man come from a source that is not God, since the path I choose is in opposition to Church policy. At least, this is what my Dad tells me.

Sure, I expected this reaction, but I thought as his son he'd believe me. I thought he would believe that I am trying to do the right thing, that I am walking in faith. But he believes that I have been deceived.

I honestly do love my Father, believe me! I am just disappointed that his perspective is so locked.

Here is why I am so disappointed: What I have always admired in the Mormon religion is its collective, divine imagination. Mormons embrace creativity and are inspired by fantastical narrative. I think this is why so many members have an affinity for fantasy and science fiction. It must have something to do with the goal of becoming gods... We all get to thinking about how we would make things if we could craft worlds. It might also have to do with our belief that all things that are temporal are also spiritual. While we certainly aren't animists, we do believe the divine is everywhere, that God's spark is everywhere. There is a thrill to igniting that spark, and to watching the world around go up in divine flame... Mormons know this well.

The imagination is, however, limited in Mormon orthodoxy. I'm not to think past the prophets. Sure, I am to have the Spirit confirm their teachings to me, but that is the only option I have. I should study, pray, confirm and obey. At least, that's what I was told to think growing up, and its certainly the impression I get when I listen to others speak of the prophets here at BYU.

But... is that what the prophets are really asking us to do? Are they really saying, "Hey, if you don't believe me, talk to the Holy Ghost! Then you'll know I'm right!" Or... as I like to think... is the invitation to try the words of the prophets an admission that they might be... wrong? Or at least, not in full alignment with what God wants for me? Is this invitation a nod to Christian liberty, or am I just fantasizing?

Every path is as unique as the person who walks it. I'd like to think the words of the prophets are conduits to God; the way we ponder and wrestle with the words we receive draw us closer to The Truth. The Way, The Truth, The Path... Universal symbols that everyone hopes to understand. I'd like to think that my elders, especially those called to be special witnesses of Christ, could give me sound advice on how to find meaning in such symbols.

Its interesting to note that I can feel my insides cringe a little when I admit that the prophets are sometimes wrong. I know many people who would take away my Mormon card right now. Honestly, I'm not a huge Boyd K. Packer fan, and I get a little antsy when we start talking Bruce R. McConkie. People around here are appalled when I admit these things. Seriously! One of my friends let out an offended little noise at my confession, and said, "We love all the Apostles, Elliot!"

Haha! Actually, I agree; I love them all. Like grandpas. But that doesn't mean that I have to agree with everything they say.

And really, thinking for myself is where my adventure begins. Before I came to terms with my sexuality, I swept things that made me feel uncomfortable under the rug. Anything that set off my inner alarms was quickly quieted, and I locked it up in a place in my brain that I don't go to often. Now, I embrace my uncomfortableness, my awkwardness, and my questions. Why? Because they lead me to good places: the still waters, the throne of God, the home I want, just to name a few.

Some of our most important conversations with friends are the ones where we are most vulnerable; where we admit our uncertainties and fears, and we comfort each other.


My most important conversations with God are the ones where I tell Him how much I don't know, how much not knowing sucks, and how much I'm really trying my best with light I've been given.

Honest. Vulnerable. Complete and Whole. There is a lot of self to be found in the dissonance. I remember that resolution can only be as sweet as the dissonance before is terrible. Indeed, I feel that is the glory of God.

Ah, forgive me, that almost makes me sound like I am mentally abusing myself. What I'm really trying to express is my love for this journey. I realize my thoughts are scattered tonight... but I feel grateful and blessed: So I write :)

And Tonight, Father, I Sing for You.

 

For awhile now, my Dad has been wondering if I am gay. Tonight, he finally sent me an email in which he expressed his concern for me as I continue to navigate what it means to be Gay and Mormon. I officially came out to him tonight, and here is what I wrote:

Thanks for the note Dad, I really do appreciate it.

I didn't know when the best time would be to tell you, but I guess since you have been thinking about it already I will be honest: I am gay.

But I imagine it isn't really a surprise. From all my challenges and trials I have faced, you probably wondered, as I did, why I was so different. You cannot imagine the peace I felt when I finally accepted this piece of myself.

I'm still committed to God, and I am still a spiritual person. I am still Mormon :) It's unfortunate that I even have to come out and say that I still love God, but it's the tragic truth that people believe that one can't be spiritual and gay. I just want to let you know that I have faith and I am gay, and many of my friends here at BYU find ways to be spiritual despite the homophobic atmosphere we live in.

The truth is, this atmosphere and people can be stifling, and it is exhausting to find truth and acceptance here. It's hard to feel the Spirit when your afraid someone will judge you for being who you are, for being honest.

Dad, I want you to know that I have felt the Spirit confirm the divine nature of my sexuality. I have felt God's love for me as a gay, Mormon man. I have brought before God, in prayer, my decisions. I want to marry a man, and God condones my decision.

I believe the Law of Chastity applies to all sexualities equally. I believe the prophet's words when they speak as mouthpieces of God, and not as men. I believe Christ's Atonement is sufficient for my mistakes. I believe that God's law is love.

This isn't about sex, or even sexual urges. This is about true love that God wants everyone to have. I don't believe that falling in love with another man and seeking to build a family with him as equal partners is a sin. My desires are righteous, and I know that.

I realize that I am not in full alignment with what the Church teaches today. But I'm doing the best I can! How do I reconcile what the Church teaches, and what I know to be right and true? This weekend I attended a conference called Circling the Wagons. It was sponsored by Mormon Stories, and was focused on discussing what it is like to be Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender in the Church. We talked with each other, encouraging each other to find truth and follow the Spirit.

I bore my testimony at this conference, and here is what I said: "I just want a home. I want to come home, to be home. By home, I mean the peace and security of God's love that I know is God's true church." I want to belong here in Mormonism, because I love it! I recently talked to my stake president, Dad, and it is very clear to me that because of my feelings, I am a second rate citizen in this Church. If I were heterosexual, I would not have been humiliated like I was, nor would I have been as disturbed by what I heard in that meeting. But I know that I am a Son of God, and I will be open and honest with everyone about who I am and what I stand for.

Things are changing in this Church that I so dearly love, Dad. I know a gay couple who were just married, who didn't have sex before marriage, and who are active Mormons. If they were a heterosexual couple they would have their temple recommends and be members in good standing. After they consummated their marriage, they were brought in for a disciplinary council. This council was to decide what to do with these men, who happened to be gay, but otherwise were in good standing with the Church. Were they excommunicated? Were they disfellowshipped? No. There was no decision; that was the official verdict.

The Church doesn't have revelation on cases such as these, but I believe one day we will. Variations of this story are happening all around North America, and I think it's exciting.

I apologize for such a long, disorganized response to your email, but I want to be honest with you. I was scared to tell you any of this because I know how you feel about homosexuality, but here are my thoughts. I love you very much, and I hope that we can continue talking about this.

Your Son,

Elliot

P.S. Check out "No More Goodbyes" by Carol Lynn Pearson. It's a fantastic book.

I hope I said all the right things. I hope this resonates with him. I hope for the best.

Circling 'dem Wagons

First off, I've recently been getting emails from wonderful people who enjoy reading my blog! Now, granted, some of it is spam, but most of it is truly heartfelt. To you guys, let me just say that I'm so glad that these ramblings mean something to you. This blog helps me stay strong, and helps me (I can't believe I'm saying this... curse you Disney!) stay true to myself. May it do the same for everyone who reads my sporadic postings.

First an inventory of my day:

1.) I wore the pants and the suit coat of two different suits as to put together another suit to sing in the BYU's Combined Choir for the prophet. Needless to say, I looked ridiculous, and, naturally, I ended up singing in the front row. (Go Elliot!)

2.) President Monson watched The Lion King, and quoted it over the pulpit today... (Go Disney?)

3.) Tonight, I am watching 30 Rock episodes and realizing how much Liz Lemon and I have in common. I don't know if I should be appalled or delighted. (Go Tina Fey!)

4.) After another annoying voice lesson, I am beginning to suspect that I'm not a true blue tenor, but a lyric baritone or something. This could throw a wrench into auditioning this month... (Yeah Wrenches!)

Now Second:

I'm excited for this weekend. I'm going to Circling the Wagons, a conference that will be centered on discussing the space where the Mormon and LGBTQ experiences intersect. It's a space where I live and thrive. It's also a space that many struggle to accept and feel comfortable with.

Come if you can, and invite everyone you can! We all need this.

And I honestly believe we really do need this. I hope for there to be a more accepted, loving space for Mormons who identify as LGBTQ. I consciously try to create such a space for me and my friends here at BYU. It's hard because both the Gay and the Mormon elements create walls, barriers. Both draw lines and say, "Here is where I can't compromise. Just accept me."

And I don't think that's going to get anyone anywhere. Both need to reach a place where understanding and non-judgement color the actions of both parties. I say that, and I realize that I'm still thinking in binaries. As if Gay and Mormon were polar opposites of a spectrum! They're not, and there are thousands of beautiful individuals who prove that. I'm hoping this conference proves that to everyone who hears about it.

I just want there to be a place where I don't have to be afraid or pressured this way or that because I am a Gay Mormon. I have that in USGA, truly, but USGA is only so big.... We can't reach everyone the group is meant for.

Just like my heterosexual brothers and sisters, my haven should be that place that Lehi saw in vision: at the foot of the Tree of Life, close to the Savior of the World. I should feel peaceful and safe in the Church, but I don't. And I know many who feel this way. Isn't that awful? That the our Savior's love can be tainted by our brothers and sisters ill-masked homophobia and "good intentions"?

I promised myself when I came out that in every way I could, I would bring myself closer to the truth. I hope for more understanding. I pray to be courageous, open and honest. I am delighted that I get to spend my weekend with others who are striving for the same.

I hope to see you there :)