First off, I've recently been getting emails from wonderful people who enjoy reading my blog! Now, granted, some of it is spam, but most of it is truly heartfelt. To you guys, let me just say that I'm so glad that these ramblings mean something to you. This blog helps me stay strong, and helps me (I can't believe I'm saying this... curse you Disney!) stay true to myself. May it do the same for everyone who reads my sporadic postings.
First an inventory of my day:
1.) I wore the pants and the suit coat of two different suits as to put together another suit to sing in the BYU's Combined Choir for the prophet. Needless to say, I looked ridiculous, and, naturally, I ended up singing in the front row. (Go Elliot!)
2.) President Monson watched The Lion King, and quoted it over the pulpit today... (Go Disney?)
3.) Tonight, I am watching 30 Rock episodes and realizing how much Liz Lemon and I have in common. I don't know if I should be appalled or delighted. (Go Tina Fey!)
4.) After another annoying voice lesson, I am beginning to suspect that I'm not a true blue tenor, but a lyric baritone or something. This could throw a wrench into auditioning this month... (Yeah Wrenches!)
Now Second:
I'm excited for this weekend. I'm going to Circling the Wagons, a conference that will be centered on discussing the space where the Mormon and LGBTQ experiences intersect. It's a space where I live and thrive. It's also a space that many struggle to accept and feel comfortable with.
Come if you can, and invite everyone you can! We all need this.
And I honestly believe we really do need this. I hope for there to be a more accepted, loving space for Mormons who identify as LGBTQ. I consciously try to create such a space for me and my friends here at BYU. It's hard because both the Gay and the Mormon elements create walls, barriers. Both draw lines and say, "Here is where I can't compromise. Just accept me."
And I don't think that's going to get anyone anywhere. Both need to reach a place where understanding and non-judgement color the actions of both parties. I say that, and I realize that I'm still thinking in binaries. As if Gay and Mormon were polar opposites of a spectrum! They're not, and there are thousands of beautiful individuals who prove that. I'm hoping this conference proves that to everyone who hears about it.
I just want there to be a place where I don't have to be afraid or pressured this way or that because I am a Gay Mormon. I have that in USGA, truly, but USGA is only so big.... We can't reach everyone the group is meant for.
Just like my heterosexual brothers and sisters, my haven should be that place that Lehi saw in vision: at the foot of the Tree of Life, close to the Savior of the World. I should feel peaceful and safe in the Church, but I don't. And I know many who feel this way. Isn't that awful? That the our Savior's love can be tainted by our brothers and sisters ill-masked homophobia and "good intentions"?
I promised myself when I came out that in every way I could, I would bring myself closer to the truth. I hope for more understanding. I pray to be courageous, open and honest. I am delighted that I get to spend my weekend with others who are striving for the same.
I hope to see you there :)
Beautiful post. Yes, you'll see me there! I am so excited!
ReplyDelete"It's hard because both the Gay and the Mormon elements create walls, barriers. Both draw lines and say, "Here is where I can't compromise. Just accept me."
And I don't think that's going to get anyone anywhere. Both need to reach a place where understanding and non-judgement color the actions of both parties. I say that, and I realize that I'm still thinking in binaries. As if Gay and Mormon were polar opposites of a spectrum! They're not, and there are thousands of beautiful individuals who prove that. I'm hoping this conference proves that to everyone who hears about it."
I totally agree!
Elliott: I’m glad to see your positive, hopeful outlook. You are a thoughtful, honest person and I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. You don’t strike me as the type to shy away from a spirited discussion. So let me give you the perspective of someone who’s been wrestling with these issues for several years. I am going to challenge your premise a bit and would be interested in your response.
ReplyDeleteCertainly it’s possible to be both gay and a member of the LDS church. I don’t think anyone disagrees. But that’s really not the question.
The real question is whether it’s possible to be gay and enjoy the full privileges and benefits of LDS membership while also having the same hope for and realization of a happy marriage and family with the person you love most in the world that straight Mormons do. AND with the same approval and support of the church. In short, full equality. No second-class status, no “suffering from a temporary mortal affliction that will be removed in the next life.” Full equality and acceptance of God’s gay children AS gay children, with no insinuations that they must change eventually in order to measure up.
And I submit to you, Elliott, that that is not possible.
While self-appointed token reconcilers like Mitch Mayne may pump up their own PR and their local ward’s effort to say Hey we really don’t hate the gays, the reality is this: LDS theology and history are threatened at the most fundamental level by the ideas that gay people are made that way by God, that gay relationships can be the equal of straight ones in every way, and that gay families can be just as good as straight ones.
The whole LDS edifice both here and through the eternities is built on strict gender roles in a way that rejects the very concept of homosexuality. It’s all well and good that the church may also soften its public tone and change its excommunication policies in order to make things somewhat easier for its gay members temporarily. But unless and until the theology changes—which would require the most radical re-write since the days of Joseph Smith—the church can’t do anything other than what it’s already done: vigorously oppose any effort at normalization of gay relationships. Because they call into question the whole expected structure of the Celestial Kingdom, the legitimacy of male-only priesthood as presiding authority, the very nature of gender and of God himself. Just asking these questions would frighten many faithful Mormons, and I have no doubt the leadership fully recognizes these implications.
So those, Elliott, are the real questions. How will the church answer them? Is it possible to be gay and happy in a church that requires one to give up all hope of the same fulfillment it promotes for straight members? Especially if the reward for a lifetime of such lonely self-denial is to be transformed later into something that you didn’t want in this life anyway?
From all of us over at Mormon Stories, Elliot, we are so happy to hear you will be joining us in SLC this weekend. It is the sentiments you describe in your post as well as the one Rob refers to in his comments that are so important to explore. As I've posted elsewhere, we are doing our best to make sure it is both meaningful and memorable.
ReplyDeleteThanks all for commenting; I'm super excited for this!
ReplyDeleteRob, I believe you are absolutely right. While the Church can be kind to its gay members, it seems the closest one can get to fulfillment and maintain their full membership is by enduring a priesthood leader's heartfelt shrug. You know, the "I don't know why your gay" shrug, which is quickly followed by, "but God loves you!" It's an encounter that will pop up again and again in the celibate life of a gay, active Member of the Church.
And it's sad. I hate the term "True Believing Mormon," but I'm going to use it to say that I don't think any gay member of the Church who has accepted their homosexuality as a gift from God (or as a good thing) and not as curse or a trial can't be a "True Believing Mormon." You have to make adjustments, you have to nuance principles and doctrines, and I even think it's necessary to completely disregard those portions of Mormonism that just aren't good and decent. I'll be honest and say to be a Mormon I have to approach it cafeteria style... but then, some would argue that isn't what Mormonism is all about. If that's the case, then I have apostatized or something.
Perhaps I have misunderstood my own faith, but it has always seemed to me that Mormonism had built in mechanisms to adapt and become something better. Continuing revelation and all that. I agree with you Rob; there would have to be some serious visions going down in Salt Lake town for gay members of the Church to be equal with heterosexual members. It can't be a change of policy. It can be a reinterpreting of old scriptures. It would have to be something radical! Frankly, in this day in age where the Church is trying to be "normal," I don't see that change coming anytime soon. I hope to God for it, but I'm keeping my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds for this one.
And I think the idea that one will not be gay in the afterlife is a very weak idea. It actually ticks me off, considering how highly Mormons prize their heterosexuality. To suggest other sexualities, just because they aren't hetero, won't continue on seems a bit of a stretch. I guess that's assuming you accept all sexuality as equal. And as you said Rob, the doctrine does not condone that idea.
The questions you raise are the ones, I think, that every gay Mormon who wishes to remain in the Church grapples with every day. If I know my Church, they will ignore these questions; I'd be delightfully shocked if the Church chose to acknowledge these issues.
For me, right now, the eternal reward they're selling, I'm not buying. I can't believe it. For me, right now, I hope things like these conferences make a difference. I'd like to think temporary space is better than no space.
Congratulations on one of the most refreshingly honest assessments I’ve read on any gay Mormon blog in a long time. I am very impressed.
ReplyDeleteI think you are spot on saying that to “be [an active gay] Mormon [you] have to approach it cafeteria style” and that “some would argue that isn't what Mormonism is all about” and if so, you “have apostatized or something.” It’s true that all Mormons are cafeteria Mormons to some extent. But there also tends to be a hierarchy of Mormon principles and beliefs, and those toward the top of the list become increasingly non-negotiable even for cafeteria Mormons.
Way up there in non-negotiable territory is the prohibition of any “homosexual behavior.” To many Mormons, that includes not only sex but any outward expressions of same-sex affection no matter how benign, and even the open discussion of homosexuality. Such people include top Mormon leadership who currently set policy. They make the rules. And in their minds, yes, you would be at least on the road to apostasy.
Since such leaders pick their own successors, and naturally they’ll pick people who agree with them, I agree that any radical change to these rules is a long way off, if it ever happens at all. I understand completely the desire to find at least a “temporary space” within the church that has been “home” and which has colored your whole world view so far. Mormonism is as pervasive a culture as Judaism and it can be difficult to leave, especially when the “only true church” claim has been drilled into you since childhood. But at the end of the day, gay Mormons who want to stay in the church’s good graces must live by the church’s rules, and those rules impose second-class citizenship, loneliness, and the abandonment of any hope for the kind of love that most people consider essential to happiness. So enjoy your temporary space for as long as you can. But as a result of the church’s own mandates, any gay Mormon who wants equality, companionship and loving fulfillment is ultimately going to have to seek those things outside the church.