We Live in the Sky

I love running; it's a condensed form of life. You pick a trail and go, and as the rhythm works its way up your feet and into your legs you tap into a timeless cadence. There's nothing quite like the rush, the clarity and (as dumb as it sounds) the joy of running like there's no tomorrow. I don't care who's watching, or where I'm going really, its just about the feeling. When I run, I feel alive. I feel connected to things, to life.

Running has its aches and pains. Its has its joys too. The best is when I feel like I can run forever, like I'm invincible and I just feel like laughing while I run. There are hills and valleys to traverse. There's traffic and people to wade through. With all that though, running is where I want to be; it's where I live. It makes each step I make and each breath I take steps and breaths of gratitude. The world runs, and I run with it.

You know how often I feel like a dead battery? It's true, you know, that some people just don't feel. I didn't realize how bad I was at feeling things until I started taking my meds. Before I started taking meds, my emotions were either absent or blaring. My emotions were a pitch black room, or a room lit by strobe lights. I feeling a bit more "normal" these days. This only kind of has to do with running. I used to run to feel, so I could feel something. Now I'm running to feel, and I run to enjoy. It's a nice change :)

I am flying home today, going back to the ol' VA. I've got window seats the whole way, which is nice. I was just thinking as I looked outside the plane and observed clouds, mountains, communities, lakes and the ocean how many people in the history of the world would have killed to see what I was seeing. It occurred to me that only a very, very small percentage of people in the history of the world have ever flown in a plane. People that would dream of flying, or believe in Gods that lived in the heavens that watched them and guided them from on high. The number of men and women that would have closed their eyes at night to imagine the world seen from the perspective of clouds is a number that I can't fathom. When I look out the plane window, when I see the world as it is now, I'm seeing other people's dreams in their realest form. What I drink in and partake of daily people have been longing for for ages... It's a humbling thought.

This is a very ramblesome post... Not much to do in the Long Beach Airport; it's tiny and I'm going to be here for a few hours. But, seeing as I have been thinking about it a lot, I am going to come out again on this blog. It's funny how there are things that I still won't admit to myself, even after going the dramatic process that was me coming to terms with my sexuality. I think though that I am finally willing to admit to myself that... well, I want to be an actor. It seems so silly and childish to admit something as common as a desired occupation. Especially one coveted by so many.

If you, dear reader, haven't been able to tell from reading this blog, I am a rather verbose and melodramatic person. You can imagine, then, how I have blown up everything in my life into something more dramatic and stressful than it needs to be. I wish every day to be a little more normal and be satisfied with doing something practical with myself. On some levels, I am practical... yeah, but only on some levels. I think some people see this side of me, and admire it. What I hide from people, and most of all from myself, is my desire to have a voice. I want to be heard, but I don't want to draw attention to myself. I want to be seen, but because I want to be seen, I hide. Why do I do this? I don't know. Sometimes I'm just afraid that I'll be rejected. Most of the time, I'm just afraid I'll fail.

But we live in the sky. We all live in a world of dreams and desires. Some will fall, and maybe I will fall, but at least I know that I am trying to do something wonderful. I know who I am (kind of) and I (kind of) know where I want to go. My firmest resolve is this: to run headlong into life, and enjoy the rush.

So yeah, glad to get that off of my chest. If I out any more portions of my soul, I'll let you know.