Plan of Attack

          It's time for me to form my plan of attack.

           Almost every night I am having dreams about coming out to various members of my family. In Dreamland, it's always the right time, the right place, and everything just feels right, so I just let it all out. From what I can recall, I think I have come out to Dream Mom and Dream Brother... I don't think I've approached Dad yet.

            I can be rather clumsy and tactless with my words. Knowing myself like I do, if I don't draw the line between my reality and my dreams, I'm going to say something to someone who isn't ready to hear it. I'm sure I'll accidently out myself to my parents or my brother .

            So, for what it's worth, I am formulating my plan of attack now so I can control my coming out of the closet as best I can.

           First off, I don't plan on actually attacking anybody. I feel assault is probably one of the worst ways to come out to someone. “Plan of attack” remains, and will remain, a phrase merely to emphasis the structure and the calculated nature of my coming out of the closet.

            Glad that's off my chest. :P

            Secondly, I'm going to come out to my bestfriend that is coming home Saturday. We like to go to Dairy Queen, so while we're chilling there with our Blizzards, I'll tell her I'm gay. I predict this will be a really good conversation, and will answer many of her questions regarding recent, seemingly out-of-character life choices I've made this year.

             Next, I'll be leaving for BYU. My plan of attack gets a little fuzzy here, and I'm going to keep it pretty fluid until I know who my roommates are and what the general atmosphere is like. I won't go on dates with girls unless I'm asked, and I'll only go as friends. I will adamantly refuse to go on a date with a girl that is giving off  “I like you” vibes. Luckily, I haven't served a mission yet, so I'm pretty sure I'll be safe.

            As for guys... Well... I don't know. I really don't. The thought of going on a date with someone I'm actually attracted to seems too good to be true. We shall see!

           As for being out at BYU, if it feels right, I'll tell people I'm gay. I feel it'd be inappropriate to greet people I haven't seen a year with a rousing, “I'm gay!” In time, I'll let close friends know. If anyone asks me about my attraction to girls, or my dating habits, I'll tell them I'm gay if I don't think it'll come back to haunt me.

          What else? Oh yeah, church leaders. I won't tell them unless it's necessary. I don't know what circumstances revealing my sexual identity would be necessary for, but that's my plan of attack.

           Bottom line at BYU: I'm going to be honest, and I'm going to be proud to be me. Simple as that.

            Alright. After checking off those three objectives the next box to check would be the family box. I'm still debating how I'm going to do this. My family is very uncomfortable around gay people. My Dad makes it a point to tell me how wrong it is that Modern Family's Cam and Mitch are together. (They're adorable and hilarious, by the way.) He also got involved in this huge family drama when his lesbian cousin sent invitations to all the family inviting them to her and her partner's commitment ceremony. (I thought sending invitations to Mormon relatives was a loving, welcoming gesture, but apparently it insulted my Dad's side of the family.) Out of my whole family, my Dad is the real wild card. I really hope he reacts well, but I have a feeling he's going to feel guilty and ashamed for producing a gay son.

             As for my Mom, she screamed when Karofsky kissed Kurt on Glee, but I guess it was more out of shock than anything because she loves Blaine and Kurt's cover of “Baby, It's Cold Outside.” I think she wouldn't be surprised to find out I'm gay.

             My brother will be uncomfortable with it at first. You know how physical brother's can be, with all the good-natured pushing and shoving and what not? I think that'll disappear from our relationship, which is a sad thought. But I think he'd eventually understand and he would realize that I'm the same brother he has always messed around with.

              Now how I'm going to tell them I'm gay, that's the trick. I really don't want to sit them down and give them “the talk.” I'll just end up being talked at, and I am afraid of knee jerk reactions. Any shame, shock, anger, sadness, or disappointment that might leak out of their expressions would kill me for sure. I still want to tell them in person, but I want to be able to tell them I'm gay and tell them what that means to me, then leave. That way any knee jerk reactions wouldn't affect me, and they can sort out their own feelings without me around.

              Which is why I'm tentatively planning on telling them right before I go on a mission. I hope to put in my papers while I'm at school next semester. If I get them in and leave over the summer, then I can tell them and go on my merry way. All subsequent conversations about me being gay, we can have via letters and email. My parents are very good writers, and I'm not too shabby, so I feel it's the best mode of communication for coming out. Writing it out will give my family and I a chance to really think about what we're saying to each other. As sad as it sounds, the fact that I'll be on a mission will probably help me out too; I think it'll reassure my parents that gayness and a testimony of the Gospel of Christ can coexist in one person.

              As for on my mission, I'll hold the same policy as I plan to hold at BYU, minus all the dating stuff.

             So that is my plan of attack, if any of you have tips or suggestions, please tip and suggest away. I welcome any and all opinions.

              P.S. I'm pretty nervous about this. The list of people I've come out to is pretty small: my ex, an old church friend, my Bishop, and of course, blogging mohos. Even though I am and always have been gay, I'm about to officially declare it to the world... my world. Coming out almost makes being gay more real to me, if that makes sense, and I have hope it will all work out just fine. Things are about to get real interesting!