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| "Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil." |
I've been thinking a long time about writing a post about why I want to serve a mission.
I've wanted to write a post about this mainly for selfish reasons; I've wanted to put my thoughts out into the open where they could crystallize into something definite and describable. And I admit, that I've wanted these thoughts to crystallize into something defendable as well. I feel constantly attacked for wanting to serve a mission, and it's no ones fault for that except my own perceptions. I have friends that love me and care for me and want the best for me; there are no words to describe how much I appreciate that. Thank you to all who are honest with me. Really :)
The best way I can describe my desire to be a Mormon missionary is pretty odd, so just stick with me for a second. The desire... it's like honey. It's golden, rich, and sweet. It's attractive and remedial. It helps me find my voice when I'm sick, and makes even the dullest and bland of what life has to offer vibrant and meaningful.
But sometimes, the desire (the honey) is no more than the sugary vomit of mindless workers, who obey without question the whims of their superior, their Queen. With a waft of her pheromones, the workers trail off to find more flowers, more to suck up and vomit when they return home.
I want my desire to be more than vomit. I want the honey to be good and real. I've heard it said that, "Honey is the only food that never spoils." I read it in my high school agenda once. I want my desire to be that kind of honey, to be truth. I want it to be unspoiled. I want the truth to never spoil.
Does that make sense? I hope it does.
As you can see, it's hard for me to put into words why exactly it is I want to serve a Mormon mission. I can tell you this much: I want to find something. I want to find a reason. I want to give people tools for building better lives. I don't have to baptize people, and I don't have to convince people that Mormonism is the only way to get to heaven. What I do feel driven to do is to seek to empower people. People can find their own answers, and people can live beautiful lives without ever knowing all the answers. I think that's one of Joseph Smith's most poignant legacies: Every person is has the privilege of seeking and finding their own answers.
So here are five different things I think about when I think about serving a Mormon mission. Hopefully, each can capture the reasons for my decisions in a way that makes sense to you.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
I loved this movie. The message that I heard when I saw this film was this: There are only two things in this life worth living for and they are "loving" and "thriving." Immortality means nothing if one can't find a reason to thrive or to love. This movie makes me think of the word "vibrant." I want to help people be vibrant!
Tarantulas on the Lifebuoy (Thomas Lux)
Watch this. Please, please watch this. This poem is as close as I can get to describing what real love is. This is the sweetest love, to take that which is seemingly ugly and scary and recognize its beauty. There are seemingly ugly and scary people in this world who are not ugly or scary. They are NOT; they just need someone to reach out and love them. I firmly believe when Christ said to not judge others, he was saying,"No one is past the point of no return." In many ways, I am a tarantula that fell in the swimming pool, and the only way I've made it out is because someone gave me a chance by tossing a lifebuoy in the swimming pool. I will never pass up the opportunity to do the same for someone else. Ever.
Hair (Lady Gaga)
This is a gorgeous arrangement. "I've had enough, I'm not a freak..." Man, you know how many times I've wanted to get up in Sacrament Meeting and just yell that line? This song, to me, speaks more of our beauty and uniqueness than Gaga's "Born This Way" does. Something that makes me beautiful and unique is this feeling in my gut that there is something bigger than me. I feel in the pit of my stomach, in the moments when my mind is most clear, that there is something out there worth loving, and that humanity is worth saving. And maybe it's my imagination, but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. Some of us live in our imaginations (*cough* Lady Gaga), but does that make anything I'm doing less real? No, not really.
Thinking of You (Katy Perry)
I... can't explain this one. Maybe you can, but I don't get it. Something about the emotion in this piece makes me think of everything I want to do with my life and more. There's just something romantic about being killed in action, or at least in the idea of it anyway. To feel something as strong in unbearably real as this... maybe that's what I'm looking for. Life in the Raw, if you will.
The Book Thief (Markus Zusak)
The story of a little girl as told from the perspective of Death. Love, in its simplest form, is a rich, complex emotion. Love is something I have felt whenever I have felt that I have given people hope. I don't want to give people hope that someday things will be better. I want to give people hope that things can be better now. You've just got to get the ball rolling, you've got to break past the unexpected stasis, and put on a brave face :)
Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm an idealist. But how is any illusion shattered if we don't live in it fully, if we don't live in it completely just once? My life experience has taught me that things are not cut and dry. Things are not "this" or "that," they're more of a conglomeration of the two. Some things are unknowable, and that's where my faith plays its most important role. I don't know how long I have to live. I don't know if I'll ever make the difference I dream of making. I just know I will die trying. I am my hair. I am thinking of you.
Does that make sense? I hope it does.
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much; who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men, and the love of small children; who has filled his niche, and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty , or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others, and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction.
- - - Bessie Anderson Stanley
With all respect...sincerely... I watched and read... and for the life of me I can't imagine how any of these are an argument FOR serving an LDS mission.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you already have quite a few people telling you not to go so I won't waste my time. But as a former LDS missionary and a former teacher and supervisor in the MTC in Provo UT I can only offer my strong witness that an LDS mission isn't anywhere near what you imagine it is.
I can think of a gazillion more effective and more powerful ways for you to build better lives that is incorruptible as honey than an LDS mission.
I wish you the best.
I'm working on a blog post all my own of reasons why I wouldn't want my son to serve a mission. My reasons will be far less artistic and creative and more practical but they likewise come from my heart and soul.
You have a beautiful soul. The mission field needs more missionaries like you.
ReplyDeleteI think the only person you can really go to for an answer is the Lord. Only He knows what is best for you.
My advice, being a RM from the 90's in South America, is to find people who will be honest with you about what missions are really like. Everyone's experience is different, of course. I had a really difficult time with mine. I wanted to go out there and love people, share the Gospel w/those who wanted to hear, do real service work,
and grow as a person. The problem was that it wasn't like that. It was all about numbers and politics. That totally sucked. The Spirit was drained out of me trying to achieve the numbers, so we wouldn't get in trouble at Zone Meeting.
I hope with Preach My Gospel that things have changed. I was glad that the church leadership seemed to be moving in that direction.
Just realize that... you will be expected to baptize people (in most missions), you will be expected to share your testimony multiple times a day, and the mission will probably be harder than you have imagined. That being said.... I love the people I served. They made a huge impact on me. Would I do it again knowing what I know.... not sure.
Much luck to you in whatever you decide.
Thank you both for your comments, they mean a lot to me. The input helps me sort out what I want from what I need, and of course your experiences with missions help me understand more of what its like to really be out there.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to your post dadsprimalscream, I always enjoy them!
Elliot, Thank you for this post. I admire your desire to serve a mission, to help, to love. And I support that desire, for all the reasons you listed and more.
ReplyDeleteNo, a mission isn't all roses and sunshine. No, people don't always let you help as much as you want to help. And no, the institution set up in which you serve a mission is not perfect. But those with true desire will find those golden moments, when everything lines up, and truth and beauty pour forth from unseen founts. They don't run continually, but they do flow from time to time. And I can tell you as one who had to give up a lot to serve, those moments are worth any sacrifice you make to make to get there.
With all I've been through in the many decades since I was born into this screwed up little world, serving a mission was the best experience I've ever had. Period.
ReplyDeleteYes, there are politics, pitfalls, disappointments, and trials (you'll never escape those, my young padawan!). But what comes inbetween those low moments is a honey so sweet it can never be forgotten. But you only get one chance at it...if you miss it, you will never get another, and you will never know the sweetness.
I LOVE this post and your reasons for wanting to serve a mission. They totally resonate with me, and I feel I was motivated by similar feelings.
ReplyDeleteI love the comments as well, and they all bring up important points. For my part, I'd re-emphasize what Regina says about going to the Lord about it, and also asking others what their mission is like.
I can relate to what Regina says about the numbers and politics, but you can ignore that (though there's still improper pressure--I think Preach My Gospel brings in more freedom). As long as your motives are pure and you're doing what's right, you will enjoy the fruits of honest work for the Lord, regardless of what others will think. For the most part, I ignored that nonsense (except as my companion of the time required me to give it lip-service) and felt great about what I was doing. Baptism was *never* my primary goal, but I still managed to baptize people, and I think that is a natural consequence of serving properly (not that you'll get baptisms, necessarily, as you can't control people's choices, but what is meant to happen will happen--you don't have to worry about it).
The hardest thing for you will be companions, probably. You will likely have some whose motivations are not as pure and you will be dragged around a bit and it may be unpleasant at times, but even there you will get close to the Lord and find opportunities to share love with those around you.
I encourage you wholeheartedly in your decision. My advice to any gay young man wanting to serve a mission would be to, first, go to the Lord about it, and if a desire is there, do everything you can to be allowed to go and, spiritually, live it up for that two years. It truly is a one-of-a-kind experience.
Having said that, I respect others' opinions like Dad's Primal Scream and can understand that a mission wouldn't be worth it for a lot of people. It depends on the individual, for sure, and there's nothing wrong with not going. As someone up there said, there are lots of good things you can do if you don't go, too.
I agree with several comments made above. Certainly with dadsprimalscream. I would also add this.
ReplyDeleteYour purpose in serving a mission is to persuade people that your views of life and religion and the eternities are rock-solid reliable truth and that they can safely bet their eternal future on what you tell them. Everything else--personal benefits, learning, etc.--should be secondary. Are you confident enough yourself in those beliefs that you want others' eternal destinies to ride on reliance on what you tell them?
If not, then don't go. There are lots of other ways to achieve every other "blessing" or benefit of missionary service that you want and which others' comments have mentioned here.