Burnout in an Army of Enablers.

At least the ninjas won't get me...

"Life is supposed to be pleasant." - Brain Stokes Mitchell

I actually heard him say that. There are plenty of other well-known figures out there with like thoughts and ideas.

I won't even bring up 2 Nephi 2:25. That has all sorts of baggage that I don't feel like thinking about right now.

The honest to goodness truth is that I have burned out. Again. I live my college education semester by semester just to make myself sick with worry. My interest in things is diminishing fast. I am extremely tired. And I'm patriotic; yes, I actually meant that. You see, America runs on exhausted, dying people working themselves way too hard. We applaud it. And right now, that truth is what's making me sick. It's tear-worthy.

I don't even have the energy to engage myself spiritually right now. The prayers remained caged in my chest, because they have no where to go. I wouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning if it weren't for the fact I had to turn in a paper today...

And here's the real kicker: no one here is going to try to stop me from doing what I'm doing. Here at BYU, I would be hard pressed to find one man who hasn't listened to the Priesthood Session of the last General Conference. You know what we laughed at and applauded at that Conference? The fact that an exhausted President Spencer W. Kimball  collapsed in his chair from burnout and all he could think about was some damn meeting he was attending. A meeting that (probably) in the grand scheme of things meant very little in terms of spiritual gravity. Mormons will worship leaders who sacrifice their health because they "love God." Doesn't it make sense that is we love God, we as His children would treasure the gift that are our bodies? To use a time tested Mormon analogy: Our bodies are temples. We don't let people run the temple until it's nothing but a pile of refuse.

But that's just the place I'm in now. It isn't just the Mormons; it's America.

But I am so done right now... with practically everything. Not living, however; I have a distinct disinterest in ending my own life. What troubles me is that this happens every semester. I pay money to jump hoops until I fall flat on my face. It's sick! As one who has recognized this trend in his life, I have the opportunity now to decide what I'm going to do with this. Are there things I'm not cut out for? Yes. Is college one of those things? Maybe.

Or maybe that's the entirely wrong question: Is BYU the wrong college for me?

Huh. I have no clue.

I'm writing all this to solicit advice. Maybe I'm calling on another Army of Enablers to fight my battles for me, but I need some honest experience to shape my own thoughts.

There are a bajillion ways to get through this life. The best decisions I have made? I don't really know until I can look upon them as one has moved further up and in. Here and now, all I can do is breathe in the space I'm in and admire the signs and trinkets that people have left behind. Where they crossed, I cross now, but I don't know how to do it.