Putting the Muse to Rest

Until we meet again...

I'm completely out of the closet. When I say that, when I think that, I recognize that these days I breathe easier. Close friends say that there's a noticeable difference in the way I act; they're probably right. I will always be coming out to people, but the bulk of my work has been done. I can walk away from the closet now, and leave it behind for good.

But there are parts of me that I've had to say goodbye to. There were compliments to my closet that I can no longer access because they are no longer a part of me like they once were. Once, there was a Muse who attended me. She guarded me with songs and plays. I would voraciously eat through paper and pencil, and the results were heartfelt compositions. I was proud of them, and I thought there would never be a day that I wouldn't be driven to create in the way that she pushed me. Well, that day has come. Writing and drawing and composing are different to me now. All are still special to me, still a part of me; but my motivations are quieter. This is a calmer, quieter thing.

Huddled in a dark closet, fewer things kept me safer than she who made me burn with stories and songs. Perhaps it seems strange to you for me to personify this part of me the way I do, but she feels like an other. We've parted ways, and I'll always remember and be proud of what we made together. I was afraid to move on without her as a part of my identity. If I wasn't an author and composer all my life, who would be? Well, it turns out I can be a very interesting person. It's interesting that after accepting being gay, I find a whole new host of ways to define myself.

She smiled when she saw a new dawn in my eyes. Hand in hand, we walked out of a closet, and stepped in a maze. I chose one direction, she another. A brush of fingers as our hands parted was the last contact we had.

And I'm okay. I'm in love with life, with people, with everything. My memories will always be fond when I think of the Muse that whispered through my closeted dreams.

There are things we can never stop thinking about, things we can never get out of our heads. Some make us long for the past, and some make us antsy for the future. Either way, we are trapped in the expansive prison of the present. Today, you are the great reconciler. Today is the day that you mediate between yesterday and tomorrow. This betweenness is what we live in, it's what we flow through. We live when we forgive time and space and make peace with the reality of now. May we all find a way to ally our pasts with our futures. All will be clearer, all will feel safer, and there will be peace :)