Thoughts and a Few Words

The purpose of this blog is shifting. I feel my interest in writing here has become more casual. It's a good thing; I love reading books or blogs where the tone shifts as you wade your way through it. Some changes are more subtle than others. And yet, when tones transform and ideas evolve before your eyes, it's beautiful. The mind behind the words is changing, and its that change that interests me. If your growing, share it, because the sharing is lovely.

Of late I've been thinking a lot about silences in conversation. They occur naturally, when nothing more is left to be said, and maybe for other reasons that I can't think of right now. Most days, I'm comfortable with a silence that bubbles out of the conversation. Other days and times, and especially when I am spending time with a person who means a great deal to me, I become acutely uncomfortable when a silence forms.

It's not because I'm not good at carrying a conversation. It's not because I'm not interesting, or that I'm not interested in what the other persons saying. I just blank! I want to say something funny, or charming, and all I see in my mind is a big, white blankness.

It's tough to get over that kind of anxiety. Or rather, work with it. I'm trying to embrace those silences, and instead of focusing on how awkward I must seem struggling to find words, I relish the moment and let thought naturally flow again. I'm trying to break that dam of paralyzing self-awareness and just let things be. My next thoughts might trickle out; they might gush out. Either, or... Hmph, letting thoughts just happen is scary. It's hard to be a genuine you sometimes isn't it?

It's really a matter of acceptance I think. I accept that I have worth and that I'm an interesting person, and I don't need excess words to prove it.

Truth is, some people can take the words away from you. Not maliciously, or selfishly. No, their presence, the light in their eyes, their smile... They can leave you breathless. Why ruin a breathless moment with words?

‎"anxiety is simply part of the condition of being human. if we were not anxious, we would never create anything." william e. barrett


"Thoughts are created in the act of writing. It is a myth that you must have something to say in order to write. Reality: You often need to write in order to have anything to say. Thought comes with writing, and writing may never come if it is postponed until we are satisfied that we have something to say... The assertion of write first, see what you had to say later applies to all manifestations of written language, to letters... as well as to diaries and journals." --- frank smith