I love you, but...

(How embarrassing! The melody name is Kingsfold, not Kingsford. For anyone who knew that, and turned a blind eye to my mistake, thank you for letting me indulge my ego the last two posts.) :P

          On another note: Today during Elder's Quorum we discussed how one hears/feels the Holy Ghost. I was extremely tempted to bring up Katy Perry's “Firework” music video, and relate it to the “burning in the bosom” sensation described in Doctrine & Covenants...

           I didn't do it, but the thought made me smile :)

*****

           I had a dream last night. It involved me walking through a mall parking lot with my ex-girlfriend and some “dream friends.” (You know “dream friends”; they're faceless and nameless, but somehow they're dear to you just the same.) It was a clear night, and the moon was bright enough to light the trees and the asphalt with a silver glow. We all walked leisurely through the parking lot, as there were no cars to speak of. The mall itself was a quiet, grey building off in the distance. We all just walked... and laughed... and talked...

           I held her hand. She was truly beautiful in the moonlight. She has a radiant smile, and golden hair, but she doesn't love the way she looks as much as I do. I kissed her on the cheek. All of my “dream friends” laughed at us and teased us. They told us how cute we were together. (We, of course, knew that already.) I was happy, and she felt loved.

           Then, I woke up.

            The end of our relationship was tough, but we knew deep down we were heading different directions in life. The day we broke up, I told her I was gay. She held me and kissed me, and gave me the best advice: “I hope no matter where life takes you, you'll always be true to yourself.” That might not be exactly what she said, but that's what I heard and remember.

          

          Since that moment, I have felt so much regret. I have thought on all the times I said, “I love you, but...”. I have recalled all those moments where I panicked and broke up with her and made her cry, only to come crawling back the next day. I have tried to sleep at night, and the thought that I had made her miserable would tear me to pieces. I remember how many times I said, “I'm sorry,” only to here her reply, “I love you.” It always stung that her love didn't come with a “but...”

           

           How else was I supposed to put it?? I really did fall for her, no mistake. Honestly, I did! There are so many “Why's?” and so many “How's?”, I can't truly put into words how real and lovely it was to have her and be there for her. And yet, to feel so hollow in my heart... Why did I feel this way?

          

           I used to be so ashamed. Ashamed to admit my first real celebrity crush was David Archuleta. (You may laugh.) Ashamed to admit that when a guy gave me a hug my heart leapt involuntarily. How could I tell her about how giddy I was when one of my best friends told me jokingly that he'd date me if he were gay? How could I hurt her and humiliate her like that??

I love you, but...

           Time and reflection have sanded away the sharper edges of my regret, and the guilt and pain is slowly ebbing away like a quiet tide. What's left on the shore are priceless tokens of selflessness and companionship; of laughter and tears; of a love come and gone. (Perhaps “gone” is the wrong word...

In fact, I know it is. It's just different now, you know?)

And so it seems, in a world of dreams,

My heart's been put to ease.

A moment lived in a quiet night

Behind closed eyes, I see.

          This Thanksgiving season, I'm thankful for my ex-girlfriend. I'm thankful for words. And, I am thankful for dreams.